Phil used to kiss Tina on the back of her neck or rub her stomach when they were in bed. These were familiar ways of approaching her. Lately, she gave him nothing back. Eventually, he stopped trying.
“I got tired of the rejection,” he said. He loved her, but he was beginning to wonder how long their marriage could continue like this. They had not had sex in six months.
Phil and Tina’s story, told by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire in The Relationship Cure, begins with a husband who feels unwanted. Tina has something to say about those evenings, too. How can partners talk about missing sex when being asked has already become difficult?
Why He Stopped Asking
Tina’s company was going through a major reorganization. She spent her days in tense meetings defending people’s jobs, then came home exhausted and unable to shake off the anxiety. She did not want to talk to anyone.
Phil wanted to reassure her. But when he tried the touches that used to bring them together, she became tense. She worried that he would be hurt unless she responded with immediate enthusiasm. At work, people needed something from her all day; at home, she was anxious about disappointing her husband.
He could see how insecure he had become. That did not make it easier to approach her again. To protect his pride, Phil stopped trying.
There had been no single, disastrous fight. They still loved each other. Yet by the time they sat down together in a therapist’s office, he feared they might not make it.
When Partners Stop Reaching for Each Other
Gottman calls an attempt to connect a bid. A partner might ask about a difficult meeting or reach for the other’s hand. Initiating sex can be a bid, too. How partners respond helps each understand whether the other is interested in connecting.
In The Relationship Cure, Gottman describes how people can become reluctant to try again after an unsuccessful approach—even in otherwise satisfied relationships. A partner may eventually complain about the distance or withdraw from contact. The other person may hear criticism, or simply notice that fewer approaches are being made.
How much of the hurt ever gets said aloud?
Someone who remembers the last time their partner reached for them may still struggle to say how unwanted they feel. Complaining about how little sex they have can be easier than admitting they are afraid to ask again.
The partner receiving that complaint has a story, too. Tina was coming home anxious and worrying about how quickly she was supposed to become interested. Phil knew about the strain at work. He had not yet heard everything she felt about their sex life.
Neither could tell, from the other’s silence, how lonely their partner felt.
How to Talk About Feeling Sexually Rejected
Either partner can be the one who wants more sex.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman recommends talking about sex gently and positively. He points out how vulnerable people feel about being attractive to their partner and being a good lover. Criticism makes that conversation harder.
Gottman gives a concrete alternative to accusing a partner of never touching us: recall a kiss that felt good and ask for more of that. The partner hears what was pleasurable and what is wanted now, without first having to defend themselves.
But how can someone talk about feeling sexually rejected without making a partner feel obliged to have sex?
With a softened start-up, the person speaking describes their feelings and what they would welcome, rather than criticizing their partner. Someone can say they miss sex and explain how hurt they feel. Their partner can listen without agreeing to have sex.
Gottman makes a point about responding to refusal: “it’s imperative that there be no negative consequences if the partner says ‘no.’” Gottman discusses sulking and anger as responses that can make a partner less willing to approach sex.
For the partner saying no, Gottman recommends reassurance. You can say no to sex and still tell your partner you love them and find them attractive. Neither partner has to pretend to feel desire. They can talk about how to decline and how to receive the answer without turning the encounter into a judgment of the whole relationship.
Before the Next Approach
Partners may enjoy different kinds of touch. These questions are adapted from Gottman’s guidance on initiating sex, declining it and discussing sexual preferences:
- How would you like me to let you know I want sex?
- When you are not in the mood, what would help you feel comfortable saying no?
- How can I tell you I am not in the mood while still letting you know I love you?
- What kinds of affection do you enjoy when you do not want sex?
Partners can also agree on a way to make a sexual invitation recognizable, so neither has to guess what the other is asking for. For more on spending time touching without expecting intercourse, read “Out of Touch: A Couple’s Way Back to Desire”.
After Six Months Without Sex
In What Makes Love Last?, Gottman addresses the hurt that can accompany a partner’s withdrawal from sexual intimacy. He considers several possible circumstances, including stress, changes in the body and differences in desire. Some couples stop having sex and remain satisfied with their relationship. He cautions that when withdrawal is not addressed honestly and lovingly, partners can become deeply hurt and feel rejected.
For Phil and Tina, the next thing they learned about each other came in the therapist’s office. Phil had explained why he stopped trying. Tina, crying, said their sex life was not working for her either.
Then, after a long silence, she added: “I miss making love, too.”
Phil answered quietly, “You never told me that before.”
