Mike brought home books and erotica, hoping to turn his wife on. Lynne felt more pressure to have sex.
He wanted sex several times a week. For her, once every other week was enough. Feeling rejected, Mike became more insistent. His frustration grew; her desire dwindled. By the time they attended a Gottman workshop, neither knew how to resolve the difference.
What could they try when their efforts to improve things were making them worse?
John Gottman recommended that they shift their focus from sex to sensuality. Instead of Mike trying harder to excite Lynne, she would lead their sensual evenings. They could begin with something she already loved: massage.
When an Invitation Feels Like Pressure
When a partner says no to sex, does it feel as though they are saying no to us?
In What Makes Love Last?, Gottman identifies shame and fear of rejection beneath couples’ difficulty talking about sex. Asking for something we want can leave us exposed. What if our partner finds a fantasy strange? What if they take a request for different touch as a complaint about how they have always made love?
Saying what we do not want can be difficult, too. Will our partner feel hurt? Will they keep trying to change our mind?
Mike wanted more sex with Lynne. But the more he insisted, the less she wanted it. At the workshop, Gottman suggested putting the less interested partner—at that point, Lynne—in charge of their sensual experience.
Lynne chose a massage book that appealed to her and used it to guide their evenings together. They spent time holding and touching each other without having sex.
What Do We Mean by Sensuality?
A massage can feel wonderful without leading to intercourse. So can being held. Sensual touch can be erotic without either partner pursuing an orgasm.
For more on how desire can develop, sex therapist Jordan Rullo explains responsive desire.
Do we both want to go further when we kiss? Or would one of us enjoy kissing more without an expectation of sex?
Gottman recommends that couples sometimes agree in advance to an evening of touching without intercourse. Each partner gets to say what feels good and safe. Neither has to guess how far the other expects the evening to go.
For Mike and Lynne, that meant spending time together doing something Lynne enjoyed, rather than continuing their struggle over how often to have sex.
How Well Do We Know Each Other’s Pleasure?
What feels good now? Is there something our partner would like more of—or something they have never asked us to try?
Should we ask? Wouldn’t that make it awkward?
A Love Map is our knowledge of our partner’s inner world. A sexual Love Map includes what they enjoy, what helps them feel ready for intimacy and what they would rather avoid.
Gottman recommends talking about these preferences gently, expressing a wish rather than criticizing. One of his examples is simple:
“It feels extra good when you touch me here.”
There is no need to deliver a verdict on previous encounters. A partner can say where they would like to be touched.
But what if they want something different from what we enjoy?
Gottman cautions against taking a sexual preference as a judgment of our attractiveness or skill as a lover. Partners can learn what pleases each other without having identical tastes.
In an intimate conversation, one partner puts feelings into words while the other listens and asks questions. Before giving advice, the listener tries to understand. A follow-up question gives the speaker a chance to explain something they may never have said aloud.
A Cheat Code for Your Sexual Love Maps
Choose a few questions to begin with. Take turns asking and listening without judging the answers. Go slowly if either partner feels embarrassed, and express wishes as positive requests rather than criticisms.
- What felt good last time?
- What did we do that turned you on?
- What did we do that made you feel closer to me?
- What made you feel relaxed?
- What made you feel ready for touch and sensuality?
- What do you need to put you in the mood?
- Do you like feeling that we have “all the time in the world”?
- How do you feel about giving or receiving a quickie?
- What should I do if you feel too tired or too busy for sex, or are not in the mood?
- If I am really horny but you are not feeling sexy, do you feel comfortable just saying no? What do you need from me in order to feel comfortable saying no?
- What makes sex more like lovemaking to you?
- What are good fantasies or thoughts for you?
- What would be a good sex ritual?
These are selected questions from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Couples need not discuss them all at once. If both would like to try something different, they can agree on something to explore and talk afterward about how it felt.
Making Room for Anticipation
Does planning take the romance out of it?
Gottman points out that couples often remember courtship as their most passionate time. Yet they planned for it. They arranged dates, chose what to wear and thought about the evening ahead.
Why expect spontaneity to do all the work now?
Couples can make time for affection and romance without scheduling intercourse. Mike and Lynne devoted their evenings to massage and touching. Lynne’s desire gradually increased. Eventually, they were having sex about twice a week.
What Haven’t We Asked?
After years together, a partner might still feel embarrassed telling us what they want sexually. How will we respond?
Gottman urges partners to listen as allies, without rushing to give advice or solve a problem. The person speaking needs time to explain; the listener can ask more before offering an opinion.
Mike had tried to excite Lynne with books and erotica. She loved massage. Once she directed their evenings, they spent time touching in a way she enjoyed.
There is more to ask a partner than how often they want sex.
“What makes sex more like lovemaking to you?”
Sources: John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and What Makes Love Last? The cheat code questions are selected from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
