My Account
0

Respond and Engage

Positively responding to and engaging bids for connection increases trust between colleagues.

respond positively professional

The third level of the Sound Relationship House is Turn Towards Instead of Away. In couple relationships, Dr. Gottman defines “turning towards” as someone positively responding to their partner’s “bid” for emotional connection. He explains that these bids usually happen during the small moments in life – simply asking a question or making a passing comment – and being met with a response that is positive and present.

When someone makes a bid, there are three ways that we can respond: turn towards by responding in a favorable manner; turn away by ignoring, or turn against by responding in a hostile, abrasive way. Dr. Gottman found that if a bid was not met, the probability that the person would re-bid was almost zero. And, with happy couples, people re-bid only 22% of the time!

As it applies to professional relationships, I’ve renamed Turn Towards Instead of Away in the Sound Relationship Workplace to Respond and Engage.

Workplace meetings are an interesting place to observe the level of responsiveness and engagement between colleagues. At any given moment, people turn towards, away, or against each other as ideas are discussed and decisions are made. Bids and their responses are both verbal and non-verbal. Eye contact, nodding of the head, and facial expression are all examples of relational connection and disconnection. Try tracking these non-verbal signals between colleagues at your next meeting to learn about their relational dynamics.

A big way that people fail to turn towards each other in the workplace is when they are on their mobile device while engaged in conversation. The result is that people feel dismissed or unheard, even if the person is multitasking. We have all had the experience of speaking with someone and they suddenly turn their attention to their phone. This experience is perceived as turning away and can be frustrating – even insulting – to the person on the receiving end.  One of the best things that you can do for your relationships at work is to put your phone away when speaking with colleagues face-to-face. Communicate that you are present with them and see the positive difference it makes!

Jennifer, as I will call her, did not understand why her manager dismissed her ideas (turned away) and then responded positively (turned towards) the same idea if articulated by another member of the team. This led to Jennifer’s increased frustration, negatively impacted her morale, and landed her in my office. I encouraged her to approach her manager and explain that she felt dismissed when sharing her ideas. Her manager did not realize that he was turning away from Jennifer. He accepted her feedback and made a point to acknowledge her ideas in a more positive way in the future. It was a small change that made a lasting impact on Jennifer’s relationship with her manager.

It’s important to remember that bids for connection in the workplace can be virtual as well. Colleagues bid for one another all the time through email and phone calls. Who can deny the importance of getting back to people? Yet, it amazes me how many people are not timely in their responses to others. When not appropriately responded to, people feel that they are not important, which impacts their trust.

Be mindful of how you respond to colleagues and your level of engagement with them – whether via email, phone, or in person. At any given moment, there are people bidding for you in one way or another. Consider their bids and be as responsive and engaged as possible!

Share this post:

Karen Bridbord, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist and consultant in New York and New Jersey. She is a Certified Gottman Therapist who specializes in working with couples and organizations.

Recommended products

Original price was: $250.00.Current price is: $169.00.

Transform Your Relationship

The Gottman Relationship Adviser is a complete approach to relationship wellness. Measure your relationship health with the research-based Gottman Assessment, analyze five key areas of your partnership to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then start a tailored, step-by-step digital program proven to heal and strengthen your connection—all on your schedule and from anywhere.

The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it.

Original price was: $119.00.Current price is: $79.00.

Research-based Foundations for a Lifetime of Love.  The Gottman Relationship Coach is an inspiring and educational multimedia experience designed to enhance the well-being of relationships. Participants will be guided through research-based tools and communication skills that can transform relationships—all based on the popular Gottman Method. The first program, “How to Make Your Relationship Work”, is now available and includes:

  • The Gottman Method and How to Make Your Relationship Work
  • How do we predict the future of a relationship?
  • How to build a Sound Relationship House
  • What to do when the destructive Four Horsemen enter your relationship

“Buy Now” will take you to GOTTMAN CONNECT to purchase and view this product.

Original price was: $599.00.Current price is: $499.00.

Created by “the Einstein of Love” (Psychology Today), this two-day workshop is grounded on what actually works in relationships that are happy and stable. See for yourself why millions of couples worldwide have benefited from the Gottman Method.

Quote from participant in most recent Live Virtual Workshop:

The Art and Science of Love workshop- where do I begin? It was an absolute stellar workshop. We were looking forward to this for weeks, and it exceeded our expectations! It was well-structured, and well-organized, and provided a wealth of information with real-time demonstrations of how to work through specific scenarios. The outstanding support that was provided throughout the exercises with therapists on standby- WOW! Priceless!

Includes the Art & Science of Love box set.  Please allow time for shipping.  Please Note: This is a live online event. To attend, you will need a reliable internet connection. Our staff will reach out to you with your personal registration and access information.

Select options This product has multiple variants. The options may be chosen on the product page

Related posts

Grandparents and kids enjoying family time together

Setting Healthy Boundaries with Grandparents

Kimberly Panganiban

Struggling with overstepping grandparents? Discover how to set healthy boundaries while keeping the peace. Get practical strategies that work. ...

Read More

A young couple putting across their point of view and could be succumbing to common couples conflict mistakes that occur during conflict

Three Common Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict

Andrew G. Marshall

If you want to stop arguing all the time, avoid these mistakes ...

Read More

Stress-proof your relationship this holiday season just like this couple having fun and enjoying each others company

How to Stress-Proof Your Relationship This Holiday Season

Kyle Benson

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude around your partner and loved ones during the holidays. ...

Read More

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships The Blueprints for Success

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships

Marni Feuerman

A look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems. ...

Read More

Big blended family enjoying time together

Navigating Different Parenting Styles in Blended Families

Terry Gaspard

In blended families there are likely several different parenting styles at play that can cause conflict among adults and children alike. ...

Read More

Happy couple in long lasting relationship

7 Outdated Relationship Myths

Dawn Smith

Here are some common relationship myths broken down. Learn why they are not accurate and develop the skills to deepen your ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!