Life transitions are inevitable, but navigating your relationship through these periods can be challenging. You, your partner, and your surrounding circumstances are constantly changing. The question is, how does a couple maintain their connection during these liminal spaces?
What Is Liminal Space?
‘Liminal space’ is a term used to delineate periods of transition. These transitions may be physical and/or emotional in nature. Examples of physical liminal spaces include staircases and hallways, while emotional liminal spaces encompass events such as divorce, graduation, or the death of a family member.
The Biological Impact of Liminal Space
Transitional periods can trigger a physiological reaction in your body, potentially leading to nervous system dysregulation and a heightened state of anxiety and discomfort. Managing flooding during these ‘in-between’ times is important. During these times, practicing self-soothing is a vital skill.
Consider incorporating these self-soothing practices:
- Taking a walk in nature.
- Engaging in deep breathing and meditation.
- Listening to music.
- Practicing yoga.
The goal is to get you from a flooded state where your heart is beating more 100 beats/minute to a calm state. This can take 20-30 minutes.
Turning Toward the Fog
Times of transition often feel like stepping into the unknown like being enveloped in fog, unable to see the path ahead. While this uncertainty naturally breeds anxiety, embracing the process and leaning into it can make the journey much smoother. A key to navigating these periods is letting go of the illusion of control and accepting that the future remains unwritten.
Using Bids for Connection as an Anchor
During transitional, uncertain times, making and acknowledging “bids for connection” is crucial for a couple’s stability. Research shows that successful couples “turn toward” their partner’s bids approximately 86% of the time, while couples struggling only respond about 33% of the time.
Turning toward your partner’s bid does not require a grand gesture; it can be as simple as acknowledging what they said and responding with a brief affirmation, such as, “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea.” These bids for connection serve to keep you anchored as a couple.
FREE Download | Emotional Literacy
Sign up for the Gottman Love Notes Newsletter to receive your free guide on emotional literacy. Learn about emotional intelligence, meta-emotions, and how to express feelings in a healthy way.
Maintaining communication during life changes
Successfully navigating relationships through major life changes (career shifts, children, relocation, health challenges) requires rituals of connection. These are small, repeated behaviors couples do intentionally to stay emotionally connected. They might look simple on the surface, but they’re powerful because they create consistency, safety, and shared meaning in the relationship.
This dedicated time is a sacred space to actively cultivate connection and proactively avoid disconnection. Without intentionality, partners easily drift into parallel lives, losing emotional attunement, which often precedes major relational distress.
Sharing worries with your partner consistently is essential. When worries are kept silent, they can fester and become overwhelming emotional burdens. To reduce their negative impact, partners can turn toward each other and voice their fears. This act of sharing the load transforms the relationship into a safe haven, allowing change to become a chance to deepen intimacy and strengthen partnership resilience.
How We Can Help: Gottman Tools
Stress-Reducing Conversation
This is a daily 20-30 minute talk to address external stress (work, finances, etc.) and build “we-ness.” Partners take turns sharing, while the listener offers empathy, validation, and acceptance without problem-solving or criticism. This strengthens the emotional bond and resilience against outside pressures.
Managing Conflict
Conflict is inevitable, and the goal is to manage it effectively, not eliminate it. Couples must avoid the Four Horsemen, the destructive communication styles that predict relationship failure. Here are the Four Horsemen and their corresponding antidotes.
- Criticism: Attacking character. Antidote: Gentle Start-Up (using “I” statements to express needs).
- Contempt: Insulting or abusing the partner. Antidote: Culture of Appreciation and Respect (single greatest predictor of divorce).
- Defensiveness: Blaming, excusing, or counter-complaining. Antidote: Taking Responsibility (for your part).
- Stonewalling: Withdrawing or shutting down. Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing (taking a 20+ minute break to calm down).
Replacing the Horsemen with the antidotes turns disagreements into opportunities for growth and deeper intimacy.
While big changes and transitions can be scary, they are a natural part of life. If you can approach them as a couple and embrace the possibilities they present, rather than being worried about things changing, it can bring about a new exciting phase of life.
