Anxiety among people in the United States is at an all time high. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, almost a third of adults have experienced an anxiety disorder at some point in their life. When we talk about anxiety, we usually focus on how it affects individuals — sleep disruption, difficulty concentrating, irritability, and chronic stress. But anxiety also has a significant impact on romantic relationships. It can influence how partners interpret each other’s behavior, handle conflict, and communicate their needs.
Managing anxiety is not only a matter of individual mental health; it is closely connected to the health of a relationship. Emotional and physical well-being affect how we show up with our partners. When anxiety goes unrecognized or untreated, it can lead to misunderstandings, reactivity, avoidance, or increased tension between partners.
How to Deal with Anxiety
It’s not simply a matter of willpower or trying to “think your way out” of worry. Anxiety is rooted in physiology. It is driven by an overactive amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for detecting threat) which can misinterpret neutral or ambiguous stimuli as danger, triggering the body’s stress response.
This process can be influenced by a range of factors and understanding anxiety as a nervous system response rather than a personal weakness is essential to addressing it effectively.
What Causes Anxiety?
Anxiety can be influenced by a range of biological and medical factors that affect how the body regulates stress. Here are some conditions that can be linked to anxiety:
- Heart disease
- Diabetes.
- Thyroid problems
- Respiratory disorders.
- Drug abuse.
- Withdrawal from alcohol, anti-anxiety medications (benzodiazepines) or other medications.
- Chronic pain.
Risk Factors
These factors may increase your risk of developing an anxiety disorder:
- Trauma. Children who have experienced or witnessed trauma have an increased risk of developing an anxiety disorder. Adults can also develop anxiety disorders as a result of trauma.
- Life stressors. A big event or a buildup of smaller stressful life situations may trigger anxiety.
- Temperament. People with certain personality/temperament types are more prone to anxiety disorders.
- Other mental health disorders. People with other mental health disorders, such as depression, often also have an anxiety disorder.
- Genetic factors. Anxiety disorders can run in families (more reactive or sensitive nervous systems).
- Drugs or alcohol. Drug or alcohol use or misuse or withdrawal can cause or worsen anxiety.
Environmental stressors can trigger anxiety symptoms, even in someone who had previously been functioning well. These stressors interact with underlying vulnerabilities, intensifying the body’s fight/flight/freeze response. Over time, this can lead to persistent physical symptoms such as muscle tension, a racing heart, and a constant sense of alarm or dread.
Symptoms of anxiety
Anxiety disorders range from infrequent panic attacks, to social anxiety to generalized anxiety. While each disorder has its unique set of symptoms, the commonality of anxiety disorders is having a persistent, excessive fear or worry about situations that are not threatening. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, usually one or more of these symptoms is present:
Emotional symptoms:
- Feelings of apprehension or dread
- Feeling tense
- Restlessness or irritability
- Always thinking about the worst case scenario
Physical symptoms:
- Pounding or racing heart and shortness of breath (anxiety/panic attacks)
- Sweating, tremors and twitches
- Headaches, fatigue and insomnia
- Upset stomach
How Anxiety Manifests in Relationships
Anxious Attachment
When you get close to someone, it can bring to the surface unresolved issues from the past. The Anxious Attachment style can develop in childhood when a caregiver has been inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability, confusing the child about what to expect. As an adult, this person acts clingy at times and finds it difficult to trust their partner.
A partner with this attachment style tends to respond to relationship stress by moving toward the other. They seek communication, discussion, togetherness, and expression. They are urgent in their efforts to fix what they think is wrong. They are anxious about the distance their partner has created and take it personally. They may be labeled needy, demanding, and nagging.
A partner with distancing behavior tends to respond to relationship stress by moving away from the other. They want physical and emotional distance. They respond to their anxiety by retreating into other activities to distract themselves. They are most approachable when they don’t feel pressured, pushed, or pursued.
This attachment style difference can cause relationship conflict and disconnection.
Bids for Connection
A bid for connection is a term that Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman use to describe any attempt where one partner tries to gain the other partner’s attention, affection, support, or engagement.
Bids can be small and everyday, such as:
- “Look at this.”
- A question about your day.
- A gentle touch.
- Sharing a random thought.
They can also be more direct, such as:
- “Can we talk?”
- “I need a hug.”
The Gottmans say that bids are the fundamental units of emotional communication in relationships. Partners are constantly making these small attempts to connect. The health of a relationship is strongly influenced by how the other partner responds. There are three ways to respond:
Turning towards: Responding positively to the bid (e.g. ‘Oh yeah I see it.’).
Turning away: Ignoring or missing the bid.
Turning against: Reacting negatively to the bid (e.g. ‘Can’t you see I’m working?’).
Anxiety and Bids
Partners who have anxiety will likely make a lot of bids to their partner which can create issues. One scenario is that the partner receiving the bids feels overwhelmed by the number of bids and starts to turn away or turn against. The ‘pursuer’ feels anxious and insecure, so they respond with more bids which then makes the partner become the ‘distancer’. The distancer tries to create some emotional and/or physical space which only makes the pursuer increase their efforts. This vicious cycle is very harmful to relationships.
Differences in Bidding
Differences in bid preferences are not inherently problematic. What creates strain is the negative cycle that can develop around those differences. When partners misinterpret each other’s behavior, they may respond in ways that reinforce distance or frustration.
Interrupting this cycle requires a direct conversation about needs, avoiding blame or criticism and instead focusing on personal experience. Each partner can describe how they feel and what helps them feel connected, rather than framing the issue as something the other person is doing wrong.
When this conversation is handled well, the partner who tends to pursue connection often reduces the intensity or frequency of their bids. They also gain a clearer understanding that their partner’s need for space is not a rejection, but a difference in regulation and connection style.
Next Steps to Deal with Anxiety for Couples
There are practical steps you can take to reduce the impact of anxiety on your relationship. While anxiety will not disappear, the way you and your partner respond to it can make a meaningful difference. Small, consistent actions – responding to bids for connection, communicating needs clearly, and offering support during stress – help prevent anxiety from driving disconnection or conflict. Over time, these intentional efforts can strengthen your relationship and deepen emotional connection.
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Turning Towards
We know from the research that happy couples turn towards each other’s bids 86% of the time. In contrast, couples whose relationships were unstable turned toward each other only about 33% of the time.
These findings underscore how significant bids — and responses to them — are in shaping the relational dynamic. The overall quality of a partnership is less about grand gestures and more about the small, everyday moments of attention, responsiveness, and engagement. Over time, these repeated interactions influence how partners experience one another and how secure the relationship feels.
2. Communicating your needs
Anxiety can heighten sensitivity for both partners, making criticism more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead of saying, “You’re not helping and it’s making this worse,” try expressing the underlying feeling and need: “I’m feeling anxious right now and could use some reassurance,” Framing the concern around your internal experience rather than your partner’s shortcomings makes it easier for them to respond with support instead of reacting to criticism.
3. Stress reducing conversation
Setting aside time each day to talk about stress outside the relationship can help lower overall stress levels. Dr. John Gottman’s research found that couples who reported being happy in their relationships engaged in this type of conversation regularly.
The purpose of this discussion is to offer support, not to fix the problem unless advice is requested. When a stressed partner feels heard and understood, it reinforces the sense that you are on the same team and strengthens emotional connection.
Final Thoughts
Anxiety can place real strain on a relationship, especially when it goes unrecognized or unaddressed. The goal is to learn how to deal with anxiety by understanding what it is and responding to it in ways that protect connection. When couples communicate clearly, support one another during stress, and stay responsive in small daily moments, they create a more stable and secure partnership over time.
