How did this woman know so much about her husband?
At a backyard picnic for Ken’s fellow teachers, Margo watched Vicky, his new colleague, greet the family’s cockapoo by name. She even scolded him for chewing Ken’s socks. And the bubble pops she had brought for the children—how on earth did she know their favorite treats?
Vicky was the new head of the math department at Ken’s school. For Margo, meeting her was a little like stepping into the Twilight Zone: a stranger already knew the small domestic details of her life.
Why had Ken never mentioned her?
Margo raised an eyebrow at her husband. He looked sheepish.
Later, Ken insisted that he and Vicky were “just friends.” He had kept quiet, he said, because Margo would be jealous.
But why had she had to meet Vicky to learn about the friendship?
In What Makes Love Last?, John Gottman and Nan Silver describe this encounter as a betrayal without a sexual affair. Partners can have close friendships outside their relationship. Here, however, Ken had shared details of his family life with Vicky while keeping Margo unaware of their closeness.
“Just friends” explained how he saw Vicky. It did not explain why his wife had been kept outside the friendship.
What does micro-cheating mean?
People use micro-cheating to describe behavior that crosses a couple’s boundaries without becoming a sexual affair. Secret flirtation or a concealed emotional connection may fall under that description. Couples differ in where they draw those boundaries.
Gottman describes a committed relationship as an agreement built on mutual trust, respect, nurturance and protection. Betrayal can occur when we violate that agreement, even without a sexual affair. He identifies two underlying problems: concealing our true needs to avoid conflict, and longing for an emotional connection we feel we cannot find with our partner.
His account extends beyond what people commonly call micro-cheating. A partner can also break trust by repeatedly failing to offer support or quietly abandoning a promise the other still relies on.
The morning they never talked about
Tina sat crying in a hospital waiting room while her father was dying. Her husband, Gene, had said he had a critical meeting. When she called him, she reached his voicemail.
He needed to be there, she tried to tell herself. Surely the meeting mattered to their future. She did not tell him how abandoned she felt.
Afterward, she grew distant. When Gene asked what was wrong, she said, “Nothing.” He thought she was grieving for her father. She was still hurt by his absence at the hospital, but he did not know it.
They were considering separation by the time she told him.
Only then did Gene admit why he had stayed away. He had been afraid he would say the wrong thing, that he would not know how to help her. He had hidden behind his work.
Tina was still hurt. But she could now reconsider what she had understood as indifference. They agreed to couples’ therapy.
Gottman uses their experience to examine emotional absence. No hidden lover was involved. Yet Tina had needed her husband, and he had not been there. Before they could repair their relationship, they had to talk about that day.
Small Acts of Love
Ten ways partners can break trust
Gottman identifies ten forms of betrayal beyond a sexual affair. Some involve concealment. Others happen in full view, so often that a couple may stop questioning them.
1. Conditional commitment. A partner stays while continuing to look for someone better. The other person may keep trying to resolve individual disagreements without realizing how uncertain the commitment itself remains.
2. A nonsexual affair. A friendship develops behind the partner’s back. As Margo discovered, the hurt can come from finding out how much someone else knows—and how much you have not been told. Read more about emotional cheating and concealed friendships.
3. Lying. A partner gives a false account to avoid an argument. The immediate disagreement may be postponed, but the other person must now make decisions without knowing the truth.
4. Forming a coalition against your partner. A parent or friend becomes an ally in criticizing the person you live with. Seeking perspective is different from repeatedly joining someone else against your partner.
5. Emotional absence or coldness. A partner repeatedly turns away when support is needed. The occasion need not be a hospital emergency. Being disappointed after a difficult day is also a reason to reach for your partner. So is having something to celebrate.
6. Withdrawal of sexual interest. Differences in desire are not themselves a betrayal. Gottman’s concern includes how couples address the change. Without an honest, caring conversation, one person may be left wondering why they are no longer wanted.
7. Disrespect. Contempt can be delivered without shouting. In one example, a wife asks her husband to stop correcting her, saying how “adverse” she is to it. He corrects her again: the word is “averse.” Even her request to be heard becomes another opportunity to demonstrate his superiority.
8. Unfairness. The arrangement was to share the housework. Somehow, one person now does most of it. A wet towel on the floor can mean another task after work—and another day when an agreement was not kept.
9. Selfishness. Decisions repeatedly favor one partner at the other’s expense. Keith and Talia have just had a daughter. Talia wants to start saving for her college education. Keith wants a motorboat.
10. Breaking promises. One partner quietly abandons an agreement on which the other still relies. They may continue talking about a shared future while making incompatible plans for it.
These are not ten reasons to assume the worst about your partner. They give couples more precise ways to recognize a problem while there is still an opportunity to address it.
The house they were saving for
For Joyce and Kyle, the disagreement concerned money they had promised to put aside.
As newlyweds, they had agreed to save a percentage of their salaries toward buying a home. Over time, Joyce contributed less. Kyle’s controlling approach to their finances bothered her. She wanted more freedom to decide when to spend.
What was so wrong with renting, anyway?
She did not tell him that she was reconsidering their plan. When he found out, Kyle felt that she had decided their promise no longer mattered. Neither, he feared, did he.
The house meant a shared future to him. Joyce had begun to question how much freedom she would have on the way there.
People change their minds. After having children, someone may want a different working life. Religious convictions can change. A financial goal that once seemed worth the sacrifice may no longer seem worth it.
A lasting commitment cannot require us to remain exactly as we were when we made it. But our partners need to know when we are reconsidering a promise they still expect us to keep.
What has gone unsaid?
Tina said, “Nothing,” while continuing to hurt over the hospital morning. Joyce stopped saving without telling Kyle why. Ken concealed a friendship, then blamed Margo’s anticipated reaction for the concealment.
In each case, the conversation the couple needed was the one they had been avoiding.
An apology matters. But Gottman explains that apologies, promises and romantic evenings are not enough to repair these breaches. First, partners need to recognize the betrayal. Then they need to work together on attunement: getting to know each other’s inner world again.
For more on how to have these conversations, read How to Build Trust in Your Relationship, which explores expressing feelings, asking open-ended questions and listening with empathy.
If you would like more guidance together, Feeling Seen and Heard is an online program from Drs. John and Julie Gottman that helps you listen to each other, express your needs and respond to everyday attempts to connect.
This work requires mutual willingness. Gottman distinguishes it from situations involving abuse or coercive control, where a different kind of support is needed.
At the picnic, Vicky knew the dog’s habits and the children’s favorite treats. Margo was only beginning to learn about her husband’s friendship.
To know someone well is part of the pleasure of loving them. To keep letting them know you is part of the promise.
What have you stopped telling each other? Keep exploring your relationship with Gottman Love Notes. Sign up for practical relationship insights from The Gottman Institute.
Source: John Gottman and Nan Silver, What Makes Love Last?, chapter 5, “Ten Other Ways to Betray a Lover.” The couples’ experiences above are drawn from that chapter. “Micro-cheating” is a contemporary term used here to introduce the topic; it is not Gottman’s name for these ten forms of betrayal.
