When Gottman therapists assess relationship health, we are looking for three things above all else: the presence of trust, the presence of commitment, and the absence of contempt. Most articles you’ll read will help you focus on how to strengthen your relationship by focusing your energy on working on these three pillars: especially contempt since research has shown it’s one of the single largest predictors of relationship dissolution.
We help couples reduce contempt by helping them see each other as equals and speaking up about their needs. But during Pride month, I find myself thinking about another form of contempt entirely. Not only for the LGBTQ+ community, but for anyone who has been given a persistent message that they are not worthy of love. Today we’re talking about contempt that comes from outside the relationship, and how partners can provide emotional refuge for one another from a world that has rejected them.
And when human beings absorb enough external contempt, the world’s voice can slowly become their inner voice if they allow that to happen. This is where a primary romantic relationship can help.
When contempt occurs within a relationship, a hierarchy gets built where one person feels superior to the other. And when a relationship experiences external judgement and rejection, couples can heal when they support each other in each giving the message: You do not need to earn your humanity here. You are allowed to exhale and just be yourself. You are safe.
Emotional safety matters profoundly in intimate relationships because healthy love has the power to interrupt hierarchy: for two people to just be two people, no better nor worse than anyone else, both worthy of love.
At its best, a relationship becomes the place where contempt stops.
When Relationships Become a Refuge
One of the most powerful shifts I witness in couples therapy happens when someone begins to experience their relationship as a contradiction to the messages they have absorbed from the outside world.
The world may have offered messages such as:
“You should keep that part of yourself private.”
“You should do better.”
“We know you’ll make the right choice eventually.”
“Stop making other people uncomfortable.”
“Just try not to be so outspoken.”
And then you find a partner who says:
“I want to know all about who you are.”
“You’re amazing already.”
“I support you in finding your truth.”
“I love you for who you are no matter what anyone else thinks.”
“Tell me what you think and feel.”
That kind of love changes people. Not because it “fixes” insecurity overnight. Not because relationships erase trauma or discrimination. But because emotionally safe relationships create a powerful haven for us to challenge hurtful narratives and work toward self-acceptance.
For people who have spent years having to justify their identities, that experience can feel revolutionary.
Pride Is Hard to Find On Its Own
It’s not easy to be proud of who we are when we’re battling with negative messages from early childhood memories, or from the daily news. We want to be able to ignore hateful comments, but it’s easier said than done. Sometimes we are able to give loved ones the message of unconditional positive regard, even when we can’t yet give it to ourselves. In other words, it’s easier to combat contempt together than alone.
For people who are working to overcome external contempt and rejection, we are noticing that both partners can heal together in a process I call relational humility, which is when both partners simultaneously support one another, both seeing the other as an equal, worthy of love and respect.
It’s easier to be proud of yourself when your partner is not only telling you how awesome you are, but also showing humility and curiosity and seeing you as someone who can help you learn and grow. This way neither is on a pedestal. Just two people raising each other up without anyone needing to be put down.
And this way, if you are lucky enough to be in love, but unlucky enough to have been told that you’re “less than”, your relationship can become a refuge.
A place where judgment softens.
A place where everyone has a voice
A place where people are imperfect but lovable anyway.
At its best, love is not merely a feeling.
It is a sanctuary.
