A lot of couples have fears about getting married. They know marriage is a big deal which will change the dynamic of their relationship (often for the better), but one of the most common fears we hear about is that sexual chemistry doesn’t survive in marriage.
We’re not talking about year one or even the first few years of your conjoined life. We’re talking about 10, even 15 years into it, when you have kids, high-stress jobs, mortgages, and all kinds of things distracting you from the passion you once felt for each other. Especially if you grew up not seeing a whole lot of PDA from your parents (most of us), we assume that’s normal, that marriage isn’t about a healthy sex life, it’s about all the other stuff.
But that’s simply not true!
The amazing kisses, the excitement in a light touch, and the longing to be in one another’s arms can stick around for good. In fact, the happiest marriages are ones in which sexual chemistry is strong. Extensive research conducted by marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, found that, yes, sexual chemistry is crucial to a happy marriage, but that good sex has much more to do with intimate trust, friendship, and conversations that create emotional connection.
The good news is that you don’t need to memorize a bunch of crazy sex moves to keep the spark alive. There are things you can do in your relationship now, and continue to do in your marriage, that will ensure that your physical chemistry will stand the test of time.
1. Put Some Rituals in Place
You know those couples who seem more like roommates than lovers? Yeah, those couples have fallen into a relationship of routine, which is exactly what you want to avoid if you desire for sexual chemistry to last until you are old and gray. Luckily, there is an antidote to routine, and that is ritual.
Zach Brittle, a Certified Gottman Therapist, tells us that “rituals also help ensure that your relationship is unique.” Brittle explains that rituals inject creativity and fun into your relationship, and it can also eliminate questions when it comes to sexual intimacy. “You may bristle at the idea of planning or scripting this process,” explains Brittle, “but when life gets busy, and you’re not as free to be spontaneous as you once were, having an agreement and an understanding of how you’ll engage in intimacy can diminish the fear of rejection or the confusion about whether one partner is ‘in the mood.’ Your ritual may be simply asking. Or you could have a code or symbol that represents your desire to make love.”
Don’t wait to make rituals part of you relationship until after you’re married. If the butterflies are waning, decide on a night of the week for a special date or create a ritual that makes saying goodbye when you leave each other special. Tell one another three things that make you grateful for the other person, say a prayer together, or create some little connection that’s just between the two of you.
2. Prioritize One Another
If you want to ensure that passion and chemistry will stand the test of time, get good at putting one another first now. In the early stages of romance, natural physical chemistry is helped along by the fact that everything is new, exciting, and you are totally obsessed with one another. But eventually life gets busy, and it can be easier to let your romance slip to second place in your life.
Research by Dr. Gottman shows that marital satisfaction sharply declines after the birth of a child. What occurs is that suddenly the baby takes first place in a couple’s life and partners don’t make time for their marriage, Zach Brittle explains in a Washington Post article. Couples who have healthy sexual chemistry prioritize their relationship. They create needed balance in their lives and schedule quality time that doesn’t involve their new bundle of joy. This requires discipline and good rituals in marriage!
In you’re in a dating relationship, be sure not to schedule yourself out of quality time together and put one another first. This practiced relationship behavior will ensure that you don’t take one another for granted in marriage and that the love will in fact last.
3. Making time to say yes to each other every single day
Time is the enemy for busy families and couples. But time spent in positive interactions with your spouse is non-negotiable. As Gottman writes, a husband and wife are continually making bids for each other’s attention—introducing a conversation topic, implicitly asking a favor, etc.—and the most successful couples are the ones who continually “turn toward” their partners. They say yes to each other’s requests for attention, interaction, and well, love, I suppose. These everyday interactions serve to build up a bank of love and trust, Gottman says.
If want to build a deeply meaningful relationship full of connection and profound intimacy, check out the Gottman Relationship Adviser.
This article was originally published on Verily and edited here from its original version.
