My Account
0

Turning Toward Our Children: Answering Bids for Connection

It’s about the quality of connection, not the presence of perfection.
Turning toward our children

World-renowned relationship researcher and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman, has conducted 40 years of research with thousands of people. From his research has emerged a practice that is important to the emotional connection between two people – the act of “turning toward” your loved one when a bid is made. What is a bid?

According to Gottman, a bid is an attempt to get attention, affection, or acceptance. It is a bid for emotional connection.  “Will you play with me?” is an obvious bid, but not all bids are so clear. Therefore, it is good to familiarize ourselves with what bids are and to be mindful, being on the lookout for what our children say or do that may be a bid for connection. How we respond to these bids has a great impact on the connectedness we share with our loved ones. There are 3 responses to bids: positive (turning toward), negative (turning away), and no response (turning away).

Take for example a simple bid for attention. “Will you play with me?” A positive response would either be “Yes, let’s play” or something like “Oh, I would LOVE to play with you. You are my favorite person in the whole world to play with. At 6:00, I’ll be finished with my work and ready to play. Let’s make it a date!” This helps the child feel acknowledged and important. Each time you turn toward your child in this way, Gottman says you are making a deposit in their Emotional Bank Account.

Bids are offered both verbally and nonverbally, and it isn’t always easy to discern that a bid is being made, which is why being aware and positively responsive is key in building emotional connection. A toddler who holds his arms up to be picked up is making a bid for attention or affection. Poor behavior may also be a bid. How should we respond if a child makes a bid in a negative way, such as through misbehavior or a tantrum? Conventional parenting wisdom says to respond negatively so as not to reinforce the poor behavior or tantrum, but children are often doing the best they can in that moment to get their needs met. No matter if the bid comes in the form of a sweet “mommy or daddy, let’s play” or a screaming tantrum, the message is exactly the same. “Notice me. Show me I matter.” By giving a positive, loving response to the bid no matter what form it comes in, we fill our child’s emotional bank account and build connection. A child with a full bank is less likely to make bids in negative ways.

Here are some ways to “turn toward” your children when a bid is made:

  • Be attentive when they’re speaking to you. When we are too busy to look up and pay attention, we miss an important chance for connection. Be intentional about putting away distractions and focusing on your loved ones as often as possible.
  • Be concerned about what they are concerned with. Even if what they are concerned about seems trivial, showing that you are concerned because they are builds the relationship.
  • Convey the message “you are known and accepted” as much as you can.
  • Avoid criticism and these 3 other relationship destroyers.
  • Say “yes” to play. We have lots of other things to do, but nothing more important.
  • Greet with enthusiasm. In the morning, after school, or after any extended separation, greet your children with warmth and a smile. Showing our children that we delight in them is a very simple but powerful connection builder.

It isn’t possible to always give positive responses to bids, and that’s okay. The intention is to try, and when we fail, we can always come back to repair by making our own bids to them. As with all relationships, it’s about the quality of connection, not the presence of perfection.

*Editor’s Note: This article originally appeared on creativechild.com and has been reprinted with the author’s permission.

Share this post:

Rebecca Eanes is the creator of www.positive-parents.org and author of The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting. In her book, Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, Rebecca shares her hard-won insights on giving up the conventional parenting paradigm to reconnect heart to heart with her children. Because parenting is about so much more than discipline, Rebecca hits on important topics less spoken about, making this more than a parenting book. It’s a book about building lasting family bonds and reclaiming joy in parenting.

Recommended products

Original price was: $250.00.Current price is: $179.00.

Transform Your Relationship

The Gottman Relationship Adviser is a complete approach to relationship wellness. Measure your relationship health with the research-based Gottman Assessment, analyze five key areas of your partnership to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then start a tailored, step-by-step digital program proven to heal and strengthen your connection—all on your schedule and from anywhere.

The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it.

Original price was: $119.00.Current price is: $79.00.

Research-based Foundations for a Lifetime of Love.  The Gottman Relationship Coach is an inspiring and educational multimedia experience designed to enhance the well-being of relationships. Participants will be guided through research-based tools and communication skills that can transform relationships—all based on the popular Gottman Method. The first program, “How to Make Your Relationship Work”, is now available and includes:

  • The Gottman Method and How to Make Your Relationship Work
  • How do we predict the future of a relationship?
  • How to build a Sound Relationship House
  • What to do when the destructive Four Horsemen enter your relationship

“Buy Now” will take you to GOTTMAN CONNECT to purchase and view this product.

$599.00

Created by “the Einstein of Love” (Psychology Today), this two-day workshop is grounded on what actually works in relationships that are happy and stable. See for yourself why millions of couples worldwide have benefited from the Gottman Method.

Quote from participant in most recent Live Virtual Workshop:

The Art and Science of Love workshop- where do I begin? It was an absolute stellar workshop. We were looking forward to this for weeks, and it exceeded our expectations! It was well-structured, and well-organized, and provided a wealth of information with real-time demonstrations of how to work through specific scenarios. The outstanding support that was provided throughout the exercises with therapists on standby- WOW! Priceless!

Includes the Art & Science of Love box set.  Please allow time for shipping.  Please Note: This is a live online event. To attend, you will need a reliable internet connection. Our staff will reach out to you with your personal registration and access information.

Related posts

Seven tips for stepfamily success

Seven Tips for Stepfamily Success

April Eldemire

A loving and well-adjusted stepfamily is possible when couples commit to taking the time and action necessary to get there. ...

Read More

Young woman getting ghosted

Ghosting: The Silent Breakup

Laura Silverstein

Tips on how to deal with being ghosted and how to improve communication if you have been the 'ghoster.' ...

Read More

Couple in therapy

Discernment Counseling v. Couples Therapy

Karen Levine

Is discernment counseling or couples therapy right for you? Find out the difference so that you can achieve the outcomes you ...

Read More

Group of teens all on their phones and not interacting with each other

Social Media and Teens

Rachael Coughlin

Does social media pose a threat to our teens' mental health and well being? Here are some tips to mitigate the ...

Read More

pay attention to the little things

The Little Things That Will Make or Break Your Relationship

Caroline Sweatt-Eldredge

Pay attention to the small ways in which your partner reaches for you and attempts to connect. ...

Read More

Couple arguing about how to parent their children

How to Navigate Different Parenting Styles

Kendra Han

Do you and your partner disagree about how to parent your children? Learn how to manage these differences so that it ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!