Relationships need time and attention to thrive. A regular check-in, whether it’s daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly, can give you a dedicated space to focus on what your relationship needs. Think of it as a time to pause, reconnect, talk about what’s going well, and discuss anything that may need extra attention.
If you tend to avoid conflict, bringing something up can feel harder than trying to just let it go. You may worry speaking up may cause an argument, hurt your partner’s feelings, or blow a small issue out of proportion. These are valid concerns! But when your feelings and needs continue to go unspoken, it can lead to frustration, resentment, and distance from each other over time. Having regular relationship check-ins means you don’t have to wait until something boils over. A calm, structured space to listen to each other can help you resolve conflict in a healthy way and address concerns before they become bigger issues.
Before You Get Started
Find a space to have your weekly check-in that is free from distractions. Removing TV, cell phones, and other potential interruptions from the equation creates space to fully focus on each other.
Consider writing notes during your check-in. Writing things down can help you process your thoughts and feelings, and having a record of your check-ins can be a great reference if you want to track how you’ve progressed over time.
Notice if flooding (overwhelm) occurs during your check-in. If it happens, pause the discussion and take a break for at least 20 minutes. When emotions are tense, it can be harder to articulate your feelings and you may say hurtful things that you will regret later. If you do take a pause, make sure both of you agree on a time to revisit the conflict and work through it together.
Once you’re ready, review these 5 steps to your weekly, monthly, or quarterly relationship check-in:
Step 1: Give Appreciations
It’s simple: tell each other what you appreciate about the other person. By focusing on the positive aspects of your partner and of your relationship at the beginning of the discussion, you remind yourselves that you are fighting for each other, not against each other. Noticing the positive lowers tension and makes it easier for both of you to work together.
Take turns sharing three to five things your partner did in the past week that you appreciated. Try to be specific. Name what they did and what it showed you about them.
“I appreciate [incident here] because [meaning here].”
Examples:
- “I appreciated when you took the kids out for breakfast on Saturday so I could sleep in because it shows me you are thoughtful and caring. Plus, it’s a special time for our kids.”
- “I appreciate that you always do the dishes after I cook dinner. It’s very considerate of you and it helps chores feel balanced in our relationship.”
- “I appreciate that you helped me figure out that difficult work situation this week. I really value your intelligence and input, and it took some of the stress out of finding a solution.”
Step 2: Talk About What is Going Well
Next, take some time to discuss what is working, improving, or going well in your relationship. Maybe you’ve been making more time for each other, communicating better, or sharing responsibilities more evenly. Don’t let these wins go unnoticed.
Examples:
- “I’m really proud of us working as a team in navigating the family drama at the reunion this weekend. Thank you for having my back!”
- “We’re both doing a good job scheduling date nights and following through with our plans. I enjoyed our picnic date this week.”
- “We talked about softer start-ups for our conversations last week, and I think we’re getting better at it. What do you think?
Step 3: Select An Issue to Discuss or Process
At this point, it’s time to take turns sharing any concerns you may have since your last check-in.
Key words: take turns.
If you get into arguments with your partner where you talk over each other, focus on what you’ll say next instead of listening, or feel like you’re on opposing sides, you may need to practice taking turns with a speaker/listener approach.
There are two different perspectives for every situation. You don’t have to agree with your partner’s perspective in order to listen to it, understand it, and acknowledge their experience and feelings.
Remember, this is a time for listening, not a time to persuade your partner or recommend a solution.
Decide which partner will be the speaker and which will be the listener (you’ll switch roles later).
SPEAKER: “I feel ____________ [name an emotion], about _____________ [a specific event], and I need _____________________________ [state a positive need].”
LISTENER: “I heard ____________________________ [repeat what the speaker has communicated]. Did I get it right?”
SPEAKER: “Yes, that’s correct.” OR “Not quite, let me explain further.”
LISTENER: “It makes sense that you feel __________________________[state the feeling(s) expressed] about _________________ [state the specific event] and that you need ____________________________ [state the need]. I would feel that way, too.”
Conflict is a normal part of any relationship. When it’s handled constructively, it can become an opportunity to understand each other better. One Gottman tool for staying connected during conflict or difficult conversations is the ATTUNE acronym:
Awareness – of your partners feeling and experience
Tolerance – that there are two different valid viewpoints for negative emotions
Turning Toward – recognizing your partner’s need and turning toward it
Understanding – attempting to understand your partners’ experience and their perspective
Non-defensive Listening – listening to your partner’s perspective without concentrating on victimizing yourself or reversing the blame
Empathy – responding to your partner with an understanding, awareness, and sensitivity to their experience and needs
Step 4: Tell Each Other What You Need
Now, look ahead. Take turns sharing one thing your partner could do to help you feel more loved, connected, and/or supported before your next check-in.
Two notes:
- Try to make your request positive and specific. It might feel strange to request exactly what you want at first, but how else are you going to get what you need? Your partner can’t read your mind!
- Rather than focusing on what you want your partner to stop doing, tell them what they can do.
Here are a few examples:
- “One thing that would help me feel more loved is if we spent some time cuddling in bed on Saturday mornings.”
- “I need you to say “I love you” more often to me. I know that you do love me, but hearing it from you more often will help me feel more connected to you.”
- “Could you help me with the birthday party preparation for this weekend? I need your support and to feel like we’re a team.”
Your partner doesn’t always know what you need unless you tell them. Give each other clear, attainable ways to show up for each other.
Step 5: End Your Check-In
Before wrapping up your conversation, take a few minutes to make sure you’re on the same page about the days or weeks ahead.
- Do you want to briefly go over the social engagements and plans for the upcoming week/month?
- What are some things outside of your relationship that you need to pay attention to this week/month?
- Do you need to revisit any of the previous check-in steps?
- Is there anything else you need before your next check-in?
Once both of you are satisfied, agree to conclude your conversation.
Make it a Habit
A relationship check-in is about creating a habit of turning towards each other. Having regular check-ins signals to one another that your love matters because you’re making time to nurture it. Some check-ins may involve difficult conversations, while others may remind you how much is going right. What matters is making space to listen, appreciate, notice, express feelings and needs, and stay connected to each other over time.
