My Account
0

The Four Horsemen in the Parent Child Relationship

Parents need to be aware of negative dynamics entering the relationship with their children.
Four horsemen in parent child relationship

John Gottman’s Four Horsemen are well known in the relationship space for leading to relationship demise. However, these types of negative interactions (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) can also be generalized to the parent child relationship.     

In contrast to a couples relationship where there is equal responsibility for healthy communication, the parent child relationship is a hierarchical one where the bulk of responsibility lies with the parent. The responsibility to build communication, model healthy relationships and teach the tools for doing so lies with the parent.    

What do we know about the four horsemen

First, we must understand that these reactions appear when a person’s survival system is triggered.

When a child, whose emotional and regulatory systems are not yet fully developed, encounters criticism aimed at them they can experience it as an attack.

Given that, the survival system of our body sends our brain a message that we are under attack, and when in danger, the “ancient” part of our brain, survival mode, which is in our brain stem, takes over and activates one of our three survival mechanisms, fight, flight or freeze. In this situation, a person is not open to listening, to conversation and/or to problem solving, as they must “remove themselves from the danger zone”.

The four horsemen in the parent child relationship

Criticism (the first horseman) may appear the moment we get mad at the child and chastise them. In contrast to a complaint, which focuses on a certain behavior or a certain incident, the criticizing message generalizes, and expresses negative emotions or opinions regarding the other person’s character or personality.

Seven year old Benny is sitting next to his brother eating breakfast. Benny notices that his brother got his favorite spoon. He objects and asks his brother to change spoons with him. While he is reaching to take the spoon, he spills the bowl of cornflakes by accident. His mother Sandra, in a rush to get through the morning tasks, gets angry at him. She turns to Benny aggressively and says: “Why can’t you ever behave properly, you are so clumsy, and always need things to be your way. Clean that up immediately!!” Benny, startled by her yelling, reacts defensively (the second horseman) – He answers her by shouting: “It’s because of you! I told you not to give me cornflakes, I hate cornflakes and I hate you!”

Understanding the criticism defensiveness cycle

You can tell that Benny was overwhelmed from his reaction. He did not mean to spill the bowl and felt under attack and humiliated. His way of defending himself was a defensive attack in the form of “It wasn’t me, it was you!”

When Sandra reacts to Benny, she criticizes him harshly. Her words have a tone of contempt (the third horseman), when she says “you are so clumsy and you always need things to be your way”. Contempt is the most destructive horseman because it conveys humiliation and superiority.

Sandra reacts to Benny and yells, “Don’t speak to me like that, you are rude and disrespectful!” Benny throws the spoon on the floor, crosses his arms and lowers his head in anger. From this moment on he stops communicating with his mom. Sandra continues talking to him, asking him to get up and clean up the mess, but he disengages and withdraws.

Sandra’s critical response towards Benny overwhelms him emotionally. Benny can not take the attack and chooses to disengage from the situation. Here we encounter the fourth horseman – stonewalling. Benny is present physically, but emotionally and cognitively he is in another place. He is quiet and unresponsive, waiting for the storm to pass. Benny disengages and because of the intense emotional storm he feels, he withdraws into himself.

How could it have been managed differently?

How can we define boundaries for a child, reflect our feelings and thoughts, and at the same time successfully connect with them so that they hear us and change their behavior?

As parents we are our children’s most important role models. Children learn from us, not only through our words, but also through our behaviors and actions that we may or may not be aware of. In order to improve communication with our children and promote their healthy social emotional development, we must be aware of our reactions and stay away from the Four Horsemen in the parent child relationship.

We will begin with the basics – if we wish to say something to our child in order to help them change their behavior, we must be aware of how we are talking to them and what non-verbals we are communicating.

Softened start up

Instead of criticism, we will use a soft start up in 3 steps:

1) This is how I feel (I am very angry)

2) About what (You wanted to take the spoon from your brother, and you spilt the cornflakes)

3) and this is what I need/want (you to clean up the spill).

It is important to remember that children have very well-developed sensors for inauthentic messages. Parents must talk to their children when regulated and capable of managing the conversation from a place of calm.

However, it is not always possible to take a break as a parent, so you can respond by focusing on the incident. “It makes me angry that you weren’t careful and the cornflakes spilled. We are in a hurry now, so let’s talk about it later. Get your backpack and let’s go to school”. Sandra is not ignoring the incident but helping herself get regulated and leaving an opening to talk about it at a more appropriate time.

The importance of self regulation

When overwhelmed, our physiological system operates out of a survival mechanism and needs regulation and relaxation. The most effective way to do this to take a 20 minute break.

Once the system regulates we can go back to the child and have a conversation using the gentle start up. We use the “I” language, about what happened to us during the incident, what we felt, and what we need and/or expect from the child. The response relates only to the incident itself and does not generalize to the child’s personality or all of his behavior.

Sandra went to Benny after dinner, when they were both relaxed and said: “You know, this morning, when the cornflakes spilled, I was very angry and thought you weren’t being careful when you knocked over the bowl. Can you please try to be more careful in the future?”

Benny listened to his mother and responded: “But mom, you always yell at me. I did not mean to spill the cornflakes, and it isn’t fair that you gave my brother my favorite spoon”.

While he does criticize his mother, he was able to say it calmly without yelling or being aggressive.

Here we recommend that Sandra be attentive, even though Benny just blamed her, because he is talking about his experience. To keep the conversation moving forward, Sandra takes responsibility for her part (antidote to defensiveness).

She says to Benny: “I know you really like the green spoon. Next time I’ll pay better attention”.

Taking responsibility

In her anger, Sandra told Benny that he is “clumsy and insists on stupid things”. These words convey a message of disdain and belittlement. As parents we must be careful about any message of disdain or humiliation towards a child. It is our responsibility as adults to protect their emotional well-being and instill confidence in them even though it is not always an easy task.

If we make a mistake, we must take responsibility for the incident. While taking responsibility, it is important to describe our feelings and needs to the child (the antidote to contempt) and ultimately to apologize. The ability to admit to a mistake and apologize is important to model.

In our case, Sandra says to Benny: “Sweetheart, this morning I said some things that I did not mean. I was very stressed out and responded in an unkind way. I am very sorry”.

Share this post:

Anat Rothschild Franko, MSW is a psychotherapist , Certified Gottman Therapist , and Certified Family Therapist and Supervisor. She is the Head of a Social Work Department in Israel, runs a therapeutic family and parenting center, and practices in a private clinic.

Recommended products

$129.00

Help your toddler grow as they learn to manage big emotions and push boundaries.

Toddlers are learning to handle big emotions, pushing boundaries, and developing attachment styles. With our actionable steps and science-backed solutions, we’ll empower you to raise a secure, empathetic toddler.

You’ll learn how to effectively manage meltdowns with our three-step guide, how to practice the tried and true Gottman emotion coaching method with your child, and learn how to take care of yourself so you can show up as the best parent you can be for your toddler. Plus, discover the best ways to protect your child through big life changes like divorce and separation, and learn about attachment styles and how to raise a secure, independent toddler.

With immediate solutions and real-life examples, you’ll have what you need to support your toddler’s emotional development for a bright future.

$129.00

Support your tiny tot’s development with boundaries, sleep, language, toilet training, friendships, and emotions.

Toddlers are tiny negotiators who love the word “NO!”. They’re learning to walk, talk, toilet train, and make friends, and they need guidance to develop empathy and healthy habits.

With our actionable steps and science-backed solutions, we’ll empower you to nurture their development, get them ready for preschool, and create a safe environment for them to thrive.

You’ll learn how to support your toddler’s social skills, unlock their language potential, and solve any sleep or toilet training challenges. Plus, discover the benefits of engaged father figures, learn how to set limits your toddler will listen to, and gain tools and exercises to manage parental stress.

With immediate solutions and real-life examples, you’ll have what you need to raise a well-rounded, empathetic toddler.

Original price was: $599.00.Current price is: $499.00.

Created by “the Einstein of Love” (Psychology Today), this two-day workshop is grounded on what actually works in relationships that are happy and stable. See for yourself why millions of couples worldwide have benefited from the Gottman Method.

Quote from participant in most recent Live Virtual Workshop:

The Art and Science of Love workshop- where do I begin? It was an absolute stellar workshop. We were looking forward to this for weeks, and it exceeded our expectations! It was well-structured, and well-organized, and provided a wealth of information with real-time demonstrations of how to work through specific scenarios. The outstanding support that was provided throughout the exercises with therapists on standby- WOW! Priceless!

Includes the Art & Science of Love box set.  Please allow time for shipping.  Please Note: This is a live online event. To attend, you will need a reliable internet connection. Our staff will reach out to you with your personal registration and access information.

Select options This product has multiple variants. The options may be chosen on the product page

Related posts

Grandparents and kids enjoying family time together

Setting Healthy Boundaries with Grandparents

Kimberly Panganiban

Struggling with overstepping grandparents? Discover how to set healthy boundaries while keeping the peace. Get practical strategies that work. ...

Read More

A young couple putting across their point of view and could be succumbing to common couples conflict mistakes that occur during conflict

Three Common Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict

Andrew G. Marshall

If you want to stop arguing all the time, avoid these mistakes ...

Read More

Stress-proof your relationship this holiday season just like this couple having fun and enjoying each others company

How to Stress-Proof Your Relationship This Holiday Season

Kyle Benson

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude around your partner and loved ones during the holidays. ...

Read More

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships The Blueprints for Success

Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships

Marni Feuerman

A look at three “conflict blueprints” to help you and your partner constructively manage conflict around unsolvable problems. ...

Read More

Big blended family enjoying time together

Navigating Different Parenting Styles in Blended Families

Terry Gaspard

In blended families there are likely several different parenting styles at play that can cause conflict among adults and children alike. ...

Read More

Happy couple in long lasting relationship

7 Outdated Relationship Myths

Dawn Smith

Here are some common relationship myths broken down. Learn why they are not accurate and develop the skills to deepen your ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!