My Account
0

Managing Conflict: Recognizing Gridlock

By using this simple checklist, you can determine whether or not you have reached total gridlock in any of those infuriatingly repetitive problems you may have in your relationship.

Share this post:

The Aftermath of a Fight

Here are some ways to determine whether or not you’ve arrived at gridlock in any of your perpetual relationship problems and a few ways to start communicating about them.

There is a series of characteristics common to gridlocked problems. By using this simple checklist, you can determine whether or not you have reached total gridlock in any of those infuriatingly repetitive problems you may have in your relationship:

  • The conflict leaves you feeling rejected by your partner.
  • No matter how much you talk about it, you feel thwarted. Despite your best attempts, you are making absolutely no headway in the problem area.
  • You become so impossibly entrenched in your positions that neither you nor your partner plan to budge.
  • Anytime the subject comes up, you invariably feel frustrated and hurt.
  • Your conversations about the problem are unpleasant, devoid of humor, amusement, or expressions of affection.
  • Your inability to budge increases with the passage of time, leading the two of you to vilify each other when this conflict arises.
  • As you vilify each other, your inability to budge and polarization in your views increases, and your chances of reaching a compromise plummet.
  • Upon traversing this delightful territory, the two of you end up in the land of total emotional disengagement.

There is a way out of gridlock, no matter how entrenched in it you feel. As Dr. John Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, all you need is the motivation and willingness to explore the hidden issues that are really causing the gridlock. The key will be to uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams you have for your life. Unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other words, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between the two of you that needs to be addressed, before you can put the problem in its place by openly communicating about it.

Share this post:

Ellie Lisitsa is a former staff writer at The Gottman Institute. She holds a PhD in Clinical Psychology.

Recommended products

Original price was: $250.00.Current price is: $179.00.

Transform Your Relationship

The Gottman Relationship Adviser is a complete approach to relationship wellness. Measure your relationship health with the research-based Gottman Assessment, analyze five key areas of your partnership to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then start a tailored, step-by-step digital program proven to heal and strengthen your connection—all on your schedule and from anywhere.

The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it.

Original price was: $119.00.Current price is: $69.00.

Research-based Foundations for a Lifetime of Love.  The Gottman Relationship Coach is an inspiring and educational multimedia experience designed to enhance the well-being of relationships. Participants will be guided through research-based tools and communication skills that can transform relationships—all based on the popular Gottman Method. The first program, “How to Make Your Relationship Work”, is now available and includes:

  • The Gottman Method and How to Make Your Relationship Work
  • How do we predict the future of a relationship?
  • How to build a Sound Relationship House
  • What to do when the destructive Four Horsemen enter your relationship

“Buy Now” will take you to GOTTMAN CONNECT to purchase and view this product.

$599.00

Created by “the Einstein of Love” (Psychology Today), this two-day workshop is grounded on what actually works in relationships that are happy and stable. See for yourself why millions of couples worldwide have benefited from the Gottman Method.

Quote from participant in most recent Live Virtual Workshop:

The Art and Science of Love workshop- where do I begin? It was an absolute stellar workshop. We were looking forward to this for weeks, and it exceeded our expectations! It was well-structured, and well-organized, and provided a wealth of information with real-time demonstrations of how to work through specific scenarios. The outstanding support that was provided throughout the exercises with therapists on standby- WOW! Priceless!

Includes the Art & Science of Love box set.  Please allow time for shipping.  Please Note: This is a live online event. To attend, you will need a reliable internet connection. Our staff will reach out to you with your personal registration and access information.

Related posts

Couple feeling emotionally stuck.

Overcoming Gridlock This Holiday Season

Sanaa Hyder

Gridlock. The word itself conjures up the image of sitting in your car for hours while traffic around you barely inches ...

Read More

Stonewalling vs. The Silent Treatment

Stonewalling vs The Silent Treatment: Are They The Same?

Kari Rusnak

What’s the difference between stonewalling and the silent treatment? ...

Read More

Mistakes during conflict

Three Common Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict

Andrew G. Marshall

If you want to stop arguing all the time, avoid these mistakes ...

Read More

Courtroom

‘Courtroom Brain’: Is Your Partner on Trial?

Ken Fremont-Smith

Don't let resentment turn your partner into the defendant in your relationship ...

Read More

Self Soothing Tips for High Conflict

Self-Soothing Tips for High Conflict Couples

Brittini Carter

If your arguments feel out of control, you need to step away and bring yourself back to a calm state. ...

Read More

photo of couple arguing

‘It’s Not My Fault!’: Why Defensiveness is Damaging

Cheryl Fraser

Don’t get defensive. Do this instead. ...

Read More

Subscribe to Gottman Love Notes

Sign up and start your relationship transformation. Subscribe and get the latest on relationships, therapy, and much more from the experts. Includes a free download and access to special pricing on Gottman products every month