Sherry wanted Hunter to talk to her. Hunter wanted to know what about.
They were middle-aged and had been married for years. At a couples workshop, with a camera recording their conversation, Hunter explained that he wanted sex more often. He wanted more variety, too. Sherry said she had already told him what she needed, but he wasn’t hearing her.
Usually, she needed to feel emotionally close before she wanted sex.
“What do you mean?” Hunter asked. “What am I supposed to do?”
Talk to her, Sherry explained. Listen. Hold her.
“But what do you want to talk about?”
John Gottman explores these difficulties in What Makes Love Last?, including through the story of Sherry and Hunter. Hunter wanted his wife; Sherry was trying to tell him how to approach her. Before they could do anything differently, he had to ask about something she thought she had explained many times.
For couples growing older together, asking what a partner wants now may reveal more than another conversation about how often they have sex.
Intimacy After 50: What Changes Between Partners?
A Gottman-blog reader recently asked about older couples experiencing physical or mental decline. What happens to intimacy when partners have different levels of desire or can no longer do what they once enjoyed?
John Gottman takes up many of these concerns in “Sex After 50: What the Research Says.” He addresses physical difficulties, including painful intercourse and changes in sexual response, alongside the ways partners may have grown apart.
A partner who avoids painful intercourse may still want affection. Does the other know about the pain, or feel unwanted and stop approaching?
Couples may know exactly when the car needs servicing and who is picking up groceries, yet know little about what would make an evening together pleasurable. Gottman writes about marriages becoming largely managerial: partners keep the household running while making less time for romance and play. That familiar feeling of becoming roommates need not begin with a loss of love.
Bodily changes can be difficult to explain even for someone who understands them professionally. Sex therapist Cheryl Fraser writes about changes in her own desire and orgasm during menopause in “Yes, Sex Changes with Age — You Are Normal.” She also discusses men’s concerns about erections and the shame some feel when they no longer want sex as often as they think they should.
Partners may need medical help as well as a conversation they have been reluctant to have.
What Did She Mean by Talking?
Sherry tried an example.
“You ask me how my day was.”
“And then?” Hunter asked.
“I tell you I’m doing pretty well, but I’ve had a rough day.”
Hunter smiled. “Sorry you had a rough day. I have an idea. Shall we have sex?”
“No,” Sherry said, smiling. “You ask what happened.”
Then she would tell him about her day, and he would listen. Afterward, he could ask to hold her. They could kiss, and he could touch her slowly.
“Then you ask if I want to have sex,” she added, laughing.
Hunter laughed, too. But sometimes, he said, he asked and she turned him down.
Sherry explained that she was not always ready when he was. Sometimes she did not yet know whether she wanted sex.
“So what should I do?” he asked.
“You could start by asking what I need.”
“And you’d tell me?”
“Of course. Ask me.”
She might want a warm bath to relax, or to shower together. Sometimes she wanted to talk and cuddle first.
“You could start by stroking my back.”
“I wouldn’t have thought of that,” Hunter said. “I’m taking notes.”
“You’re taking notes? That’s so sweet.”
His wishes were harder for him to discuss. When Sherry asked about his fantasies, he objected to the camera and the recording equipment attached to him.
“Could you tell me when we’re alone?” she asked.
“I’ll try. If you don’t think it’s too strange.”
Can Couples Grow More Affectionate with Age?
Researchers studying long marriages have found older partners expressing considerable warmth—even during disagreements.
Laura Carstensen, John Gottman and Robert Levenson observed 156 long-married couples discussing a marital problem. Older couples were more affectionate and expressed less negativity than middle-aged couples.
A later 13-year follow-up by Levenson’s research team examined 87 couples who completed three rounds of observation. Over time, partners showed more positive emotional behavior, including humor and validation, and less negative behavior during disagreements.
These findings concern how partners handled conflict, not whether they maintained sexual function. They offer no remedy for painful intercourse. They do challenge the assumption that growing older together must mean becoming emotionally distant.
A Few Questions for the Partner You Know So Well
Gottman uses Love Maps to describe a person’s knowledge of their partner’s inner world. Couples develop sexual Love Maps by learning what each enjoys and what helps them feel ready for intimacy.
A partner may know what pleased the other years ago without knowing what they would enjoy now. Hunter, meanwhile, had fantasies he was still embarrassed to discuss with Sherry.
The questions below are our formulations, based on their exchange and Gottman’s guidance on sexual conversation in What Makes Love Last?:
What Feels Good Now?
- What helps you feel emotionally close to me?
- What kind of touch do you enjoy?
- Would you like me to do anything more slowly or differently?
- Is there something you would like to tell me about what turns you on?
- When you don’t want sex, what kind of affection would you enjoy?
- How can we talk about a difference in desire without either of us feeling rejected or pressured?
Choose a question and take turns. In Gottman’s approach to intimate conversation, the listener tries to understand a partner’s feelings before offering advice. If an answer surprises you, ask your partner to explain.
For couples dealing with bodily changes, ask about discomfort, too. Is a familiar touch still pleasurable? Does anything hurt? If a partner has persistent pain or changes in sexual function, a qualified health professional can help assess what is happening.
If one partner develops dementia, the couple may also need support with caregiving and changes in intimacy. The Alzheimer’s Association provides guidance for partners facing these circumstances, which go beyond the difficulties Sherry and Hunter were discussing.
Dinner, a Movie—and Then?
Hunter ventured one of his wishes. He liked it when Sherry wore lingerie and took the initiative.
“Should I surprise you?” she asked.
He suggested planning it after a date, so she would have time to feel close to him. Dinner and a movie?
Yes, she liked that.
“And then we go home…” Hunter said.
“And you ask me what I need.”
“So you come out in your lingerie, and I ask what you need?”
“Exactly.”
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