My Account
0

Why Your Child is Good—Even When They Misbehave

Your child’s behavior expresses their internal experience.
Child Misbehave

The notion of “good” and “bad” children is deeply ingrained in society. People can be quick to name personality traits and behaviors that make a child “good” or “bad.” However, these labels often come as a result of adults not having enough understanding of brain development, how children process information, how they learn, and how they communicate their emotions.

Children perceived as “good kids” and respectful tend to be more sensitive and receptive, which makes them activate responses such as agreeableness and kindness to try to appease the parent. Children who are perceived as acting “bad,” disrespectful, rebellious, or defiant tend to display behaviors such as being opinionated, outspoken, and non-conforming. One is not better than the other, they are simply different ways children express their internal experience.

Understanding Your Child’s Brain Development

The human brain starts development before birth and does not fully develop until age 25. The amygdala, which helps people understand the impact of their actions, is the last part of the brain to develop. Meanwhile, from birth to five, the brain is developing everything from sensory processing to rational thinking. A child’s capacity for more complex thinking doesn’t develop until between the ages of 12 to 18. If it seems like your child cannot think rationally, it’s literally because their brain might not be equipped to do so just yet.

Fight/ Flight Protective Responses 

Another factor that can impact your child’s reasoning is when, as Dr. Daniel Siegel calls it, they “flip their lid.” That is when your child or teen’s emotions get so overwhelming that they lose access to the frontal part of their brain and cannot think or act clearly. In these moments, it’s common for children to kick, scream, become fidgety and restless, throw things, freeze, argue, or even find it difficult to form a coherent sentence or thought. The best thing to do when this happens is pause, take a break, and let the brain engage in other activities so your child’s rational brain can come back online.

It’s much easier to have compassion and be more open to finding solutions when you understand that your child is not being difficult. Rather, they are experiencing difficult moments and overwhelming emotions. 

Even in their Hardest Moments, What Your Child Wants the Most is Connection

Even though it may not feel like it at the moment, what a child wants the most is love and connection. It can be difficult for your child to feel connected to you when they feel misunderstood or unheard. This is why seeing the good in your child, especially in their difficult moments, can be helpful in taming difficult emotions.

Listen attentively

Listen to your children with the intent to understand, not with the intent to respond. Children tend to feel frustrated when they sense that you are not attuning to what they are saying. A child who doesn’t feel heard can raise their voice in the hopes the parent will hear them. This is an intuitive response, not a conscious one.

Reflect back what they said

Explain to your child what you understood. When you reflect back what they said, you show them two things. 1) you are indeed listening. 2) You understand their point and experience, even when you don’t agree with them. 

Validate their experience

People want to know their emotions make sense, and your children are no different. Let them know it makes sense to feel the way they do and that it’s okay for them to feel whatever they are feeling.

Reaffirm your love for them

It’s important for children to know that even in their hardest moments, they are loved. When children know they are loved no matter what, it gives them a sense of safety and unconditional connection. When children value the connection they have with their parents, they are more likely to make attempts at repair and healthy communication.

Model the behavior you want your child to learn

If you ask your child to communicate using their words while you are yelling at them, you are modeling the undesired behavior. Learn to model the way in which you want your child to communicate with you. The more they see it and experience it, the easier it will be for them to learn.


Learn more about helping kids handle big emotions with Emotion CoachingAlso, read Dr. John Gottman’s “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.”

Want research-backed tips on parenting delivered straight to your inbox? 

The Gottman Parenting newsletter is a comprehensive, inclusive resource for parents of children in all ages and stages. Join us as we tackle modern parenting challenges, explore the latest parenting research, and more.

Share this post:

Yolanda is a Trauma Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor in Private Practice at Latibule Counseling (latibulecounseling.com) in Arizona. She is trained in EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, and DBT. She also owns Yolanda Renteria, PLLC (yolandarenteria.com), where she provides Somatic Processing Sessions, psychoeducational workshops, and speaking services. She is passionate about helping people break generational cycles and thrive in parenting and relationships. Aside from her work, she is an Adjunct Faculty Psychology Professor at Northern Arizona University and utilizes social media platforms to bring awareness of generational cycles that perpetuate trauma. In her free time, she enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with her family. Follow Yolanda on Twitter, TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram.

Recommended products

$129.00

Help your toddler grow as they learn to manage big emotions and push boundaries.

Toddlers are learning to handle big emotions, pushing boundaries, and developing attachment styles. With our actionable steps and science-backed solutions, we’ll empower you to raise a secure, empathetic toddler.

You’ll learn how to effectively manage meltdowns with our three-step guide, how to practice the tried and true Gottman emotion coaching method with your child, and learn how to take care of yourself so you can show up as the best parent you can be for your toddler. Plus, discover the best ways to protect your child through big life changes like divorce and separation, and learn about attachment styles and how to raise a secure, independent toddler.

With immediate solutions and real-life examples, you’ll have what you need to support your toddler’s emotional development for a bright future.

$129.00

Support your tiny tot’s development with boundaries, sleep, language, toilet training, friendships, and emotions.

Toddlers are tiny negotiators who love the word “NO!”. They’re learning to walk, talk, toilet train, and make friends, and they need guidance to develop empathy and healthy habits.

With our actionable steps and science-backed solutions, we’ll empower you to nurture their development, get them ready for preschool, and create a safe environment for them to thrive.

You’ll learn how to support your toddler’s social skills, unlock their language potential, and solve any sleep or toilet training challenges. Plus, discover the benefits of engaged father figures, learn how to set limits your toddler will listen to, and gain tools and exercises to manage parental stress.

With immediate solutions and real-life examples, you’ll have what you need to raise a well-rounded, empathetic toddler.

$199.00

Are you a new or soon-to-be parent, navigating the chaos of early parenthood? It’s common for new parents to become absorbed in their baby’s world, but there’s one vital element that often gets overlooked: the emotional connection between you and your partner.

Research has proven that the relationship with your partner is the cornerstone of your baby’s development. It’s not just about raising a happy, healthy child; it’s about cultivating a loving, harmonious environment for your growing family.

The Bringing Baby Home Parents Workshop is your guide to strengthening these vital connections.

Subscribe to the Gottman Parenting Newsletter and get access to special pricing, free content and early looks at new products.

Related posts

Mother with teen child gardening together

Mindful Parenting: How to Raise Kind and Conscious Teens

Aziza Seykota

Mindfulness can help you connect with your teen. ...

Read More

Emotional Intelligence Creates Loving and Supportive Parenting

John Gottman

Parents have to be smarter about teaching their children emotional intelligence, and John Gottman can show you how. ...

Read More

Daughter and Father

Do You See Your Child in a Positive Perspective?

Jenny Wang

See your children as rainbows versus roadblocks ...

Read More

‘Small Things Often’ Parenting

Kimberly Panganiban

How the little things make a big difference raising kids ...

Read More

The Four Parenting Styles

The Gottman Institute

Your emotional awareness dramatically influences your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships. ...

Read More

Mindful parenting mom with her child

Mindful Parenting: How to Respond Instead of React

Parent Co.

Mindful parenting means that you bring your conscious attention to what’s happening, instead of getting hijacked by your emotions. ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!