For generations, many boys have been taught the same lesson—sometimes explicitly, often subtly: don’t cry, don’t be scared, don’t be emotional. Sadness is brushed off. Fear is minimized. Vulnerability is framed as weakness.
But what happens when we raise boys this way?
When boys are told they shouldn’t cry when they are sad or admit fear when they feel unsafe, we aren’t making them strong—we are teaching them to disconnect from themselves. Over time, this disconnect can grow into something far more damaging: a lack of emotional intelligence.
When Emotions Are Invalidated
Many boys receive the message, “Your emotions are wrong.”
Or worse: “You can’t trust what you feel.”
Parents and caregivers may say things like:
- “You’re fine.”
- “That’s nothing to cry about.”
- “Be a man.”
- “Don’t be scared.”
While often well-intentioned, these responses invalidate a child’s inner experience. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research on Emotion Coaching, when children’s emotions are dismissed or minimized, they don’t learn how to understand or regulate those emotions, and they learn to ignore them.
But emotions don’t disappear when ignored. They simply go underground.
The Cost of Emotional Disconnection
Boys who grow up not knowing what they feel—or believing they shouldn’t trust their emotions—are more likely to:
- Enter dangerous situations because fear is dismissed rather than honored
- Struggle to identify their needs
- Suppress sadness until it emerges as anger, numbness, or risk-taking
- Have difficulty forming healthy, emotionally connected relationships
When we raise boys to override their internal signals, we remove one of their most important survival tools.
Emotions Are Not the Problem
All emotions are a gift. They exist for a reason.
Fear keeps us safe.
Sadness signals loss and the need for connection.
Anger highlights boundaries that have been crossed.
Joy points us toward meaning and purpose.
Emotions are information. They guide us toward what matters and help us navigate the world with awareness. When boys are taught to listen to their emotions rather than suppress them, they develop resilience—not fragility.
Why Do We Do This to Boys?
Much of this conditioning comes from toxic masculinity—the belief that strength means emotional suppression, dominance, and self-reliance at all costs. Boys are often praised for toughness and stoicism while being discouraged from emotional expression.
But emotional suppression is not strength. Emotional intelligence is.
What Boys Actually Need
Using Gottman’s Emotion Coaching approach, we can raise emotionally healthy boys by:
- Noticing their emotions instead of dismissing them
- Validating their feelings, even when we don’t agree with their behavior
- Helping them name what they feel
- Teaching them that emotions are safe, useful, and temporary
When boys learn that their emotions are valid and trustworthy, they gain confidence in themselves. They learn to make safer choices, build deeper relationships, and develop a strong sense of purpose.
Are We Dooming Our Boys?
Only if we continue teaching them that their inner world doesn’t matter. When we teach them to not cry when they’re sad or to be scared when they enter certain situations, we are invalidating their feelings. They no longer know what they feel and don’t trust their emotions. This is enormously destructive to them and to those around them.
Raising emotionally intelligent boys doesn’t make them weak—it makes them whole. They will have meaningful relationships and emotional connections with others that nurture and satisfy them. And that may be one of the most powerful things we can offer the next generation.
