My Account

Rebuilding After Infidelity

Research shows couples can move forward after an affair. But how?

Share this post:

Co-authored with Dr. Paul Peluso

Infidelity is a tale as old as time. This form of betrayal exacts a significant toll on a couple’s relationship and often emerges as the symptom of a larger disease: disconnection. Yet, despite its prevalence, infidelity continues to be a widely misunderstood phenomenon. 

Affairs can be viewed as the warning light that flashes on a car’s dashboard; it indicates the presence of a leak or larger problem that needs attention. Just as with cars, it is by becoming aware of the underlying issues that precipitated the affair (and implementing corrective strategies) that couples can begin to rebuild their relationships.  

When partners begin to pull away from one another (whether it be emotionally, sexually, or both), the potential for an affair to occur increases. With the natural stressors that accompany any relationship, recurrent conflict can become the wedge that drives couples apart. In an attempt to rekindle this connection, one partner may turn to a third party.  

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Following an affair, the betrayed partner experiences a rocking of their world and may be left wondering, ‘Should I stay or should I go?’ Although recovering from infidelity poses many hurdles, it does not necessarily mean that a couple’s relationship is doomed.

In returning to the car metaphor, an affair is often the flashing light that says, ‘Help, our relationship can no longer continue this way!’ When faced with the discovery of infidelity, couples will need to determine if they want to look under the hood (see where the leak began and make the necessary repairs) or choose to throw in the towel. 

In jointly making the decision to work on the relationship, a good first step is seeking couple’s therapy and examining where cracks developed in the foundation. These cracks are often the result of destructive patterns of interaction.

Patterns of Interaction

The means through which couples interact during instances of conflict are highly telling of long-term relationship functioning. According to Dr. John Gottman, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are considered to be the proverbial destroyers of relationship satisfaction and can be the slippery slope that leads to infidelity. These four negative communication styles include criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling (which occurs when one partner shuts down in response to emotional flooding). 

Through his research, Dr. Gottman determined that newlywed couples who displayed the Four Horsemen were, on average, more likely to divorce 5.6 years following the wedding. In contrast, couples who didn’t have escalating conflicts but exhibited emotional disengagement divorced 16.2 years after the wedding.

Couples who present to therapy following an affair often display the Four Horsemen during conflict discussions. Certified Gottman Therapists are specifically trained to help couples find more adaptive means to communicate during these occurrences. In the face of the Four Horsemen, these therapists help clients learn and implement the antidotes to these destructive patterns of interaction:

  1. Criticism – Gentle Start-Up
  2. Defensiveness – Take Responsibility
  3. Contempt – Build Culture of Appreciation
  4. Stonewalling – Physiological Self-Soothing 

Once couples have learned the necessary strategies to help them communicate more effectively, they can begin the process of healing.

Rebuilding After the Apocalypse

An affair is a cataclysmic event in a couple’s relationship. For the betrayed partner, the initial shellshock response may include anger, sadness, pain, and humiliation. These symptoms closely mimic post-traumatic stress disorder and can even linger long after the infidelity was discovered. Despite this, it is possible for couples to rebuild and move forward.

Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum; therefore, a necessary step to rebuilding after an affair is for both partners to commit to preserving the relationship. In order to do so, the betrayed partner will need to determine if they are able to forgive. This act is crucial to the long-term functioning of the relationship. Of the Four Horsemen, Dr. Gottman determined that harboring contempt is highly predictive of relationship dissatisfaction and ultimate divorce.

Moving forward from an affair is no simple task, but it can be achieved! This process will be contingent upon the couple’s willingness to examine the ways in which they interact. Some questions to consider include:

  1. Are the Four Horsemen most prevalent during conflict discussions? 
  2. Can the couple defuse arguments? Are they able to access humor or playfulness?
  3. Is the couple able to respectfully accept one another’s differing perspective?

In rebuilding after an affair, Certified Gottman Therapists work with couples to help them engage in healthier conflict discussions, turn towards one another, and increase emotional attunement. By strengthening these areas, couples significantly increase their chances for long-term relationship satisfaction and growth.

How well do you know your partner?

If you are not sure where to start improving your relationship and are looking for a personalized plan based off your unique needs, the Gottman Relationship Adviser is for you. This world’s first proven solution to relationship wellness takes the guesswork out of a great relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.

For just the assessment of your relationship health check out the Gottman Assessment, a virtual relationship evaluation tool for couples. This self-assessment tool provides you with a full snapshot of your relationship satisfaction, outlines your strengths and weaknesses, and supplies tailored recommendations for improvement.

Learn how to improve trust in your relationship, and so much more at the next Art and Science of Love workshop. At this live two-day virtual event, you and your partner will hear from Gottman-trained experts about how to keep your emotional bank account full and the romance alive. Register today!

Social content on Infidelity from the Gottman Institute

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by The Gottman Institute (@gottmaninstitute)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by The Gottman Institute (@gottmaninstitute)

Share this post:

Taylor Irvine, M.Ed., Ed.S., LMHC, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) and counseling doctoral candidate at Florida Atlantic University. Her primary research interests are studying couples and infidelity. She is currently collaborating with The Gottman Institute and Dr. Paul Peluso on an international study to validate the Gottman Method for couples recovering from an affair.

Recommended products

Original price was: $250.00.Current price is: $179.00.

Transform Your Relationship

The Gottman Relationship Adviser is a complete approach to relationship wellness. Measure your relationship health with the research-based Gottman Assessment, analyze five key areas of your partnership to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then start a tailored, step-by-step digital program proven to heal and strengthen your connection—all on your schedule and from anywhere.

The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it.

Original price was: $119.00.Current price is: $79.00.

Research-based Foundations for a Lifetime of Love.  The Gottman Relationship Coach is an inspiring and educational multimedia experience designed to enhance the well-being of relationships. Participants will be guided through research-based tools and communication skills that can transform relationships—all based on the popular Gottman Method. The first program, “How to Make Your Relationship Work”, is now available and includes:

  • The Gottman Method and How to Make Your Relationship Work
  • How do we predict the future of a relationship?
  • How to build a Sound Relationship House
  • What to do when the destructive Four Horsemen enter your relationship

“Buy Now” will take you to GOTTMAN CONNECT to purchase and view this product.


Created by “the Einstein of Love” (Psychology Today), this two-day workshop is grounded on what actually works in relationships that are happy and stable. See for yourself why millions of couples worldwide have benefited from the Gottman Method.

Quote from participant in most recent Live Virtual Workshop:

The Art and Science of Love workshop- where do I begin? It was an absolute stellar workshop. We were looking forward to this for weeks, and it exceeded our expectations! It was well-structured, and well-organized, and provided a wealth of information with real-time demonstrations of how to work through specific scenarios. The outstanding support that was provided throughout the exercises with therapists on standby- WOW! Priceless!

Includes the Art & Science of Love box set.  Please allow time for shipping.  Please Note: This is a live online event. To attend, you will need a reliable internet connection. Our staff will reach out to you with your personal registration and access information.

Related posts

How to Be Kind When You’re Upset With Your Partner

Sanaa Hyder

Kindness is not just important in the heat of an argument. ...

Read More

What to Do During a Rough Patch

Are Rough Patches in Relationships Normal?

Dana McNeil

What you can do when your relationship is on the rocks ...

Read More

Couple not talking where one person is stonewalling.

What Is the Difference Between Stonewalling and Gaslighting?

Laura Silverstein

Read More

Couple having a romantic date.

Date Your Mate!

Cheryl Fraser

Why date night rejuvenates long term relationships - if you do it right. ...

Read More

What Porcupines Can Teach Us About Making Love

Laura Silverstein

Dr. Gottman's "porcupine sex" story is a comical depiction of an all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women in the bedroom. ...

Read More

Julie and John Gottman with Fight Right book

What Are We Fighting For?

Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman

Excerpted from FIGHT RIGHT copyright © 2024 by Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD and John Gottman, PhD. Used with permission from Harmony ...

Read More

Subscribe to Gottman Love Notes

Sign up and start your relationship transformation. Subscribe and get the latest on relationships, therapy, and much more from the experts. Includes a free download and access to special pricing on Gottman products every month