My Account
0

5 Ways to Make Small Gestures Count in Your Marriage

Give your partner the gift of love and appreciation in small ways every day.
Photo of a couple in their 60s or 70s holding hands while pressing their foreheads against one another and smiling.

One of the things that Jake appreciates about Kristin is her way of showing love through her actions. Jake puts it like this: “When I come home after a long day and Kristin is there, she usually gives me a hug and wants to know how my day went.”

According to a study by researchers at Penn State University, you don’t need grand gestures to show your partner love. In fact, this team found that small gestures, such as hugging, holding hands, and regular acts of kindness all top the list of how most Americans report feeling loved and appreciated.

Kristin explains, “It’s the everyday moments that matter. Jake and I have found that little things make a difference. When I forgot to pay my cell phone bill, Jake noticed it lying on the counter unopened and quickly called in the payment so it wouldn’t be late.”

How well do you know your partner?

Look for ways to show love with small gestures

In “The All Or Nothing Marriage,” psychologist Dr. Eli J. Finkel explains that many easy actions, or “lovehacks,” aimed at improving your relationship can be done in five minutes or less. For instance, you can write your partner an endearing and charming love note, hold their hand, or give them a hug. Think of fun and special places to leave love notes.

Create daily rituals of connection

Dr. John Gottman recommends spending at 15-20 minutes daily having a stress-reducing conversation with your partner. Examine the schedules of family members and determine when there is a dependable time you are both available. Consider enjoying a daily walk together or unplugging and talking about your day over a cup of your favorite beverage.

You can create other rituals of connection too, such as a six-second kiss (which Dr. Gottman calls “a kiss with potential”) before leaving the house or when coming home, or making sure to text each other throughout the day with positive, loving messages to help you both feel connected.

Make a habit out of using kind and polite words such as please, sorry, and thank you

Would you rather go to bed resentful or would you prefer cuddling with your partner after repairing an argument? Studies suggest that couples who apologize when they’ve hurt their partner’s feelings (even if done so accidentally) and grant forgiveness have a more successful marriage. Apologizing and taking responsibility is an antidote to defensiveness, which is one of four negative behaviors that Dr. Gottman proved to consistently lower the quality of a relationship. And when you can make repair attempts, like apologizing after an argument, it helps to decrease tension and make you feel more connected to your partner.

Take action and offer support to your partner

This can include helping them complete tasks, run an errand, or finish a project. These positive actions lead to interdependence. As you coordinate your plans with your partner, you create a sense of purpose and shared meaning in your marriage. Creating a larger context of meaning in life can help couples to avoid focusing only on the little stuff that happens and to keep their eyes on the big picture.

In “The Relationship Cure,” Dr. John Gottman explains that the small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have more power than isolated, excessive gestures when it comes to creating and sustaining lasting love. Therapist Liz Higgins, LMFTA, informs us that Dr. Gottman’s motto is “small things often,” which includes turning towards your partner as much as possible to create a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions.

That doesn’t mean that it’s not important to celebrate big events such as anniversaries and birthdays with more grand gestures of love and romance, but just don’t forget to offer little, daily kindnesses to your partner, which are the most important gestures of connection.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

The Penn State University research team discovered that actions speak louder than words. “We found that behavioral actions—rather than purely verbal expressions—triggered more consensus as indicators of love. For example, more people agreed that a child snuggling with them was more loving than someone simply saying, ‘I love you,’” Heshmati said. “You might think they would score on the same level, but people were more in agreement about loving actions, where there’s more authenticity perhaps, instead of a person just saying something.”

Kristin reflects, “I never realized the importance of doing simple things to make Jake feel loved until he pointed it out. Growing up, my family wasn’t very affectionate but Jake lets me know how much a kiss on the lips and an embrace means to him.”

It would be easy for Kristin and Jake to neglect each other’s needs since they have two school-age children. Their sons both have demanding after-school activities and play soccer on the weekends. However, Kristin and Jake embrace the notion that in order for their marriage to thrive, they need to pay attention to each other on a regular basis and intentionally turn towards each other’s bids for connection.

Jake says, “Kristin loves and appreciates me. Since we have kids, we make sure to go out for dinner at least once or twice a month by ourselves. We also show our love by the small things we do for each other like sending each other a loving text message during the day.”

In order to feel alive in your marriage, you need to put effort into spending quality time together—with an emphasis on giving small gestures of love. Responding positively to your partner’s overtures for connection will help you bring out the best in one another and keep your marriage fulfilling. Give your partner the gift of love and appreciation in small ways every day!


If you want to build a deeply meaningful relationship full of trust and intimacy, then subscribe below to Gottman Love Notes email newsletter. 

Share this post:

Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW is a licensed therapist and author. She is a contributor to Huffington Post, TheGoodMenProject, The Gottman Institute Blog, and Marriage.com. Her new book, out now, is THE REMARRIAGE MANUAL: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around. Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com.

Recommended products

Original price was: $250.00.Current price is: $169.00.

Transform Your Relationship

The Gottman Relationship Adviser is a complete approach to relationship wellness. Measure your relationship health with the research-based Gottman Assessment, analyze five key areas of your partnership to identify your strengths and weaknesses, then start a tailored, step-by-step digital program proven to heal and strengthen your connection—all on your schedule and from anywhere.

The Adviser uses the legendary scientific Gottman Method to help you understand what’s really going on in your relationship—and gives you exactly what you need to improve it.

$45.00

Ever wonder what’s really going on in your relationship?

Tired of getting into fights and unsure what to do next? Or perhaps you’re curious about which areas of your relationship need improvement?

The all-new Gottman Assessment, powered by the legendary scientific Gottman Method, can help you understand the state of your relationship—and get you the help you need to improve it.

Original price was: $298.00.Current price is: $129.00.

Drs John and Julie Gottman are excited to introduce this  Gottman Relationship Coach collection, All About Conflict.

The first program, “Dealing with Conflict”  teaches the basics of communication in conflict. You will learn which of the problems your relationship faces are solvable, and which you may continue to encounter. If any of these perpetual problems have you stuck, the Gottmans can help you get “unstuck” and understand each other’s perspectives. “Dealing with Conflict” helps prepare you for the regular, inevitable moments of friction that are bound to arise in any relationship.

The second program, “What to Do After a Fight” teaches how to navigate more difficult arguments and the feelings that come along with them. If “Dealing with Conflict” makes regular communication “smooth sailing,” “What to Do After a Fight” helps you address rough waters to keep your relationship from capsizing. Often, more serious arguments arise because they touch on values and beliefs one or both of you hold dear. Explore what’s underneath the storm with the game-changing exercises contained in this program. 

NOTE: If you already purchased “Dealing with Conflict” or “Making Up After an Argument” individually and want to take advantage of this special offer, make sure you are logged in to your Gottman Connect account and the price difference will automatically be deducted from your purchase of the second program.

Related posts

Stress-proof your relationship this holiday season just like this couple having fun and enjoying each others company

How to Stress-Proof Your Relationship This Holiday Season

Kyle Benson

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude around your partner and loved ones during the holidays. ...

Read More

life partner

Go for the Life Partner, Not the Prom Date

Logan Ury

Behavioral scientist-turned dating coach Logan Ury explains what matters more (and less) than you think in long-term relationships. ...

Read More

Bid Busters: Ways You Unintentionally Turn Away from Connection

Satira Streeter

The people you love are making bids for your attention. Can you hear them? ...

Read More

Couple enhancing relationship on a date

10 Tips to Enhance Your Relationship

The Gottman Institute

Fun and effective tips for couples to enhance their relationship this summer ...

Read More

Couple on the brink of divorce

We’re on the Brink

Dr. Jenna Scott

When you are disconnected from your partner and unsure if the relationship can survive, there are specific actions to take to ...

Read More

Distressed woman experiencing emotional conflict as her husband yells, highlighting relationship tension and communication issues.

Why Is My Husband Yelling at Me?

Kendra Han

Understanding the behaviors and taking action in the areas you can control will help your wellbeing. ...

Read More

Sign up for the email newsletter you are most interested in and start your Gottman journey today!