“It feels like we’re just roommates.” As a sex therapist, that is one of the most common concerns I hear from couples. They’ll explain that their relationship started out with chemistry and sparks and a strong physical connection during the “honeymoon phase,” but then gradually, the fire faded and now they feel a million miles apart. They can’t remember the last time they kissed for longer than a quick peck or spent meaningful time enjoying each other’s bodies. Both partners not only feel lonely, but in a society with significant sexual expectations, they also feel embarrassed and ashamed to seek help.
A sexless marriage is clinically defined as having sex fewer than 10 times per year, or less than once a month. While this definition captures the number of sexual experiences, it doesn’t capture the emotional pain this can cause a couple. Sexual intimacy can put a lot of money in the Emotional Bank Account, and without those deposits, couples can feel empty and alone.
Side note: A sexless marriage is only a problem if it causes distress to one or both partners. If there is no distress, then there is no problem. About 20% of long-term couples (Laumann et al., 1992) are in a sexless marriage, so please know that you are not alone.
A Sexless Marriage Isn’t a Foregone Conclusion
A sexless marriage is an issue that can be a challenge to address, but it is rarely a final verdict. Typically, a lack of sex is a symptom of many other issues beyond the actual sexual experience. Poor overall communication, a lack of sexual communication, and an absence of emotional connection are the more common underlying causes of a sexless marriage that I see in my office. Other causes include sexual dysfunction, such as pain with sex, low sexual desire and sexual arousal, and erectile difficulties. Still, other causes can include sex not being enjoyable for one partner due to a sexual skill deficit, chronic health conditions, or an erotic template discrepancy (meaning, what you find sexually arousing is something other than what your partner can provide).
A sexless marriage usually happens gradually over time through what’s called an Avoidant Dynamic, and this dynamic has a very damaging ripple effect. The avoidant dynamic starts like this: one partner, let’s call him Javier, initiates and the other, Sofia, says “no” because she is tired, stressed, there was a recent argument, she doesn’t feel an emotional connection, or she is resentful (fill in the blank). Javier initiates again, and another “no” from Sofia. This continues until Javier decides he doesn’t want to initiate anymore because it hurts too much to be rejected.
Instead, Javier tells Sofia, “You initiate when you’re ready”. On one hand, this is a kind gesture; Javier doesn’t want to pressure Sofia. However, on the other hand, this is what Gottman classically describes as Turning Away. Javier isn’t turning toward Sofia to start a dialogue; he is turning away from her and leaving her to deal with the issue herself.
The Avoidant Dynamic
After turning away again and again, over time, a ripple effect starts. First ripple: Javier and Sofia stop having sex. Then, as this dynamic goes on longer, non-sexual physical affection starts to decline, which leads to the second ripple: touching stops. Neither Javier nor Sofia is touching the other (a hug, a kiss, cuddling at night) for fear that the touch will either lead to sex (Sofia’s fear) or lead to rejection (Javier’s fear). As this dynamic goes on longer (i.e., no sex, no touching), the emotional connection starts to decline, which leads to the third ripple: “We just feel like roommates”. This is when Javier and Sofia describe little to no emotional connection. They have repeatedly turned away from each other, and that decision has gradually led to a very damaging ripple effect.
Can you reverse this Avoidant Dynamic?
Yes, you can reverse this Avoidant Dynamic. The antidote is to change this Avoidant Dynamic (turning away from each other) to a Teammate Dynamic, which involves turning toward each other. The Teammate Dynamic looks like this: Javier initiates and Sofia says “no” because she is tired, stressed, there was a recent argument, she doesn’t feel an emotional connection, or she is resentful (fill in the blank).
Sound familiar? Yes, the Teammate Dynamic starts like the Avoidant Dynamic, but then Javier and Sofia very quickly turn toward each other. Javier says, “I really want to connect. Is there some way we can connect that would feel good to you?” And Sofia says, “I really appreciate you putting out a bid for connection, and I also want to connect. Can we just snuggle? I think that’s all I have the energy for”. Essentially, they turn toward each other as teammates and start a dialogue on how they can connect in a way that works for both of them. This is the Teammate Dynamic, and this is the antidote to the Avoidant Dynamic.
This all sounds lovely in a perfect world, but you might be wondering how to put this into action. Start with the current ripple that you’re in (lack of emotional connection) and then move backward to how it all started (no sex).
Step One: Put money in the Emotional Bank Account
First, prioritize Small Things Often to put money in the Emotional Bank Account of your relationship. Take a look at Gottman’s Magic 6 Hours, which are the six hours a week to a better relationship, and see if you can add any of those hours on a weekly basis. This includes Stress-Reducing Conversations, a 6-Second Kiss, and non-negotiable date nights. The goal of this first step is to put money back in the Emotional Bank Account and build emotional connection, so you no longer feel like “just roommates”.
Step Two: Prioritize non-sexual physical affection
Second, start to prioritize non-sexual physical affection. Because you have been avoiding non-sexual physical affection for fear it will lead to sex or rejection, you’ll likely need to have a sex embargo in place.
The Sex Embargo
What this means is that you both need to explicitly agree that sex is off the table for now. Some couples might be thinking, “Why is this necessary? We aren’t even having sex”. Many couples find this explicit agreement helpful because it clearly states, without any uncertainty, that sex is off the table. Without this agreement, there’s always the “what if?” For example, “What if we start to snuggle and he initiates sex?” Once you have agreed on the sex embargo, start to bring back the types of non-sexual physical affection that felt good to you both (kissing, cuddling, snuggling, massage, hugs, a pat on the butt). You’ll both likely feel relieved that touch can just be touch and isn’t tied to sex.
Step Three: Reintroduce sexual connection
Finally, once you are feeling more emotionally connected (step one) and more non-sexually physically connected (step two), begin to talk about reintroducing your sexual connection (step three). For many couples, this can be an awkward proposition because it’s been so long since they’ve had sex. Couples will often say, “I don’t even know how to get started?”
This is where Sensate Focus exercises are incredibly helpful. Sensate Focus exercises are full body touching exercises with very clear guidelines that help you and your partner start touching again without the pressure of sex. These exercises are a great way to kick-start this part of your physical connection without the pressure and awkwardness of attempting to jump back into sex.
Some couples can guide themselves through Sensate Focus without the help of a therapist, but others may need a therapist to assist them in removing the blocks and negative patterns that are getting in the way of reconnection.
Overall, a sexless marriage is not a foregone conclusion. It was likely created gradually over time by an Avoidant Dynamic and has led both partners to a very lonely place. The antidote is to cultivate a Teammate Dynamic by first turning toward each other emotionally (with Small Things Often and the Magic 6 Hours), then with non-sexual physical affection (which may require a sex embargo), and then eventually with sexual connection (using Sensate Focus).
