When You Shut Down
So Does Your Relationship
Express It
Don’t Suppress It
Is emotional immaturity holding your relationship back?
Gottman Can Help
Bottling up or dismissing emotions creates distance, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Even if you’ve grown apart, it’s possible to rebuild closeness.
The good news is that emotional intelligence is a skill you can develop. With the right tools, you and your partner can break old patterns and connect on a deeper level.
Gottman research has found that emotionally intelligent couples are better at handling conflict. Building emotional intelligence starts with getting comfortable opening up about feelings, validating each other, and really listening to understand.
Did you know…
"Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.”
—Dr. John Gottman
FREE Download | Emotional Literacy
Sign up for the Gottman Love Notes Newsletter to receive your free guide on emotional literacy. Learn about emotional intelligence, meta-emotions, and how to express feelings in a healthy way.
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The Single Best Way to Improve Your Emotional Connection
The Gottman Relationship Adviser
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- How to identify and share your truth
- About what we call Bids for Connection, and the three ways you can respond to them
- How to Turn Towards your partner to make your relationship successful.
- A concept of an Emotional Bank Account and positive emotions, and how to increase the balance in your Emotional Bank Account
- How to identify and express your needs in the relationship
- How to be a great listener
- How to have a stress-reducing conversation
Frequently Asked Questions
Do you want more insight in your relationship?
What if my partner emotionally shuts down or avoids talking about feelings?
This is common, and it doesn’t mean change isn’t possible. Gottman tools are designed to help both partners feel safer expressing emotions, starting with small shifts that invite openness without overwhelm.
You can learn more about working through perpetual problems with the Gottman Relationship Adviser.
Can emotional intelligence really be learned?
Yes. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a skill, not a personality trait. With the right tools and practice, you and your partner can learn how to express emotions in healthy ways, listen with empathy, and respond to each other’s needs.
What are some signs my partner is emotionally immature?
Signs of emotional immaturity include avoiding responsibilities like chores or bills, escaping into gaming or excessive screen time, and expressing emotions through blame, criticism, or even tantrums. You may also notice a lack of empathy, poor coping skills, and withdrawal during challenges. These behaviors often stem from deeper issues like fear, anxiety, or unresolved childhood experiences.
Why are men often emotionally immature?
Emotional immaturity in men often stems from societal messages about masculinity, stigma around seeking help, and childhood experiences that discourage emotional expression. Many men lack healthy coping skills, leading to blame-shifting, avoidance, or emotional shutdown. These patterns aren’t excuses but reflect deeper struggles with emotional learning, often reinforced by privilege, underdeveloped support networks, and unhealthy coping behaviors like self-medicating or aggression.
What if my partner doesn’t like to talk about feelings?
It’s common to feel uncomfortable sharing emotions, often because no one taught us how. This doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care; they may just feel unsure how to express themselves. Gottman tools help couples create a safe space to open up, build trust, and start having deeper conversations that make emotional connection feel easier over time.
Gottman Relationship Couples Blog
Read all about building lasting, healthy relationships in the emotional literacy section of the Gottman Relationship Blog.
Dr. John Gottman on Emotional Connection
GUYS - This is Why Vulnerability Makes YOU Stronger
Discover the key to deeper emotional intimacy with your partner as Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship expert and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, shares a heartfelt story about vulnerability in his own marriage. Learn how understanding and embracing each other’s enduring vulnerabilities can transform your relationship into one built on trust, empathy, and love.
- Trusted by over 1,000,000 couples worldwide
- Based on 50+ years of relationship research