actually about like how are our relationships affirming our desires or wants for our lives like we’re working together in partnership and one of the things that they talk about this in the book and this is based on research that i believe was done by the gottman institute as they sort of looked at relationships and they looked at where people place the lotus of control in their partner when something goes right and something goes wrong and by this i mean where do they place the locus of control is that internal or external so when somebody is late to dinner for example is the partner sitting there thinking ok i wonder if they got held up at work or if there was a lot of traffic or something came up and they needed something like in my assuming that there’s like an external factor that’s causing my partner to be late or am i putting the lotus of control internally and saying my partner always does