… as you own your mistake(s), encourage your partner to do the same. The end result is greater connection, de-escalation and repair. (More on that here.) Responsibility-taking is the opposite of defensiveness, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse outlined by famed couples therapists John and Julie Gottman.
Taking responsibility can be as small as noting, “I’m sorry, I was raising my voice just now. Let me rephrase that in a softer tone.” It can also be acknowledging how your words or behavior may have adversely affected a partner, even if unintentionally (think: “I can see that confronting you … many that aid in reducing the intensity of arguments, facilitating deeper understanding between partners, and creating a dynamic in which healing can occur. If you’re interested in learning more about all of these tips and tricks, check out Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson or Fight Right by Julie and John Gottman.
Hang in there. You’re not alone and hope may not be lost. You and your partner may just need to hone a few interpersonal skills to ensure that less volatile moments stop tarnishing the course of your relationship.