At 9:40 on a Sunday night, in the basement of her Pittsburgh rowhouse, Nora held a fitted sheet in one hand and typed “weaponized incompetence” into her phone with the other. She had pulled the sheet warm from the dryer and folded it twice. It still would not lie flat. Upstairs, Ben had the television on low, and an hour earlier, when she asked him to help with the laundry, he gave the answer he usually gave: “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
She had been hearing that sentence for three years. That night it sounded like one more job, because she had to know what needed doing and she had to say it out loud.
It was the second time that month she had typed those words, and both times she had felt understood. If you are always the one who notices what needs doing, the phrase can sound like the word you have been looking for. Before Nora says it to Ben, though, Drs. Julie and John Gottman would probably ask her to consider a plainer possibility. The sheets may be a Solvable Problem.
What kind of conflict is weaponized incompetence?
Conflicts come in different kinds, and it helps to know which kind you are in. The first kind is the Solvable Problem, the practical kind: who buys the groceries, who takes the children to the doctor, who folds the sheets. Each one belongs to a particular situation, and a situation can change. Each can still hurt. Nora is tired, and the tiredness is real.
A good place to begin is a Who Does What list. Each partner writes down every task in the home, then marks who does it now and who would like to. Ben may look at his column and count a third of the work. Nora may look at hers and count two thirds. Two honest people can remember the same week differently, and a page gives them something to look at besides each other.
In the Gottman Love Lab, a couple named Justine and Michael once talked about their laundry. Justine began gently, saying only that things sometimes got left. When Michael bristled, she answered with a warm “You do.” He laughed. He admitted the laundry had never crossed his mind, and then he offered a plan: he would fold the sheets and the towels. Justine’s answer is what Drs. Julie and John Gottman call a repair attempt. Michael’s plan is what they call Accepting Influence.
What does she say first?
A Softened Start-Up has three parts: I feel, about, I need. For Nora it might sound like this: “I feel worn out about folding sheets alone on Sunday night, and I need us to pick three jobs that are yours from start to finish.”
Ben has something he can answer there. What could he say to “weaponized incompetence”? He might hear Criticism, or even Contempt. He might answer with Defensiveness, or go quiet and leave the room, which may be Stonewalling. Together they are the Four Horsemen.
If either of them feels flooded, they can stop for at least twenty minutes and come back. Flooding is the state of feeling physically overwhelmed in the middle of a conflict: the heart rate climbs, and it becomes hard to listen or think clearly.
What can you read next?
If weaponized incompetence has been on your mind, knowing the kind of conflict can help you choose what to read next. Many chore arguments are Solvable Problems, and the steps above are made for them. Other conflicts are a different kind, and it can help to learn to notice them early and to meet them calmly.
According to Drs. Julie and John Gottman, 69 percent of conflicts in a relationship are Perpetual Problems. They come from lasting differences between two people, such as two personalities or two sets of preferences, and they stay in some form. Ben may be comfortable in a lived-in house while Nora feels calmer in a tidy one. A Perpetual Problem is a little like a bad knee: nobody chose it, but couples learn what makes it worse and what eases it, and many keep it in its place with some humor. A couple does not have to resolve a Perpetual Problem for the relationship to do well.
When a Perpetual Problem leaves both partners digging in, feeling more hurt and rejected after every talk, with little humor or warmth left, the Gottmans call it Gridlock.
If you would like to keep reading, here is a suggested order: Solvable Problems first, then Perpetual Problems, then Gridlock. Each has an article linked in this piece. It says nothing about where your own relationship stands.
If you would like to know more about that, we recommend the Gottman Assessment or the Gottman Relationship Adviser.
The next Sunday, Ben was at the dryer first. He held the fitted sheet by two corners, the way Nora had once shown him, and he was looking for the other two.
What Are You Really Fighting About?
