You’ve probably heard of Gottman’s Four Horsemen before: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. But reading about them on paper or online is one thing. Recognizing them in the middle of an argument with your partner is a little more challenging.
What the 4 Horsemen Sound Like in Everyday Conversation
These monsters of miscommunication can be sneaky. Sometimes they sound like a sarcastic comment or a small eyeroll. Sometimes they’re a sentence that starts with, “You always…” or a quick, “Whatever.” And sometimes they’re much more obvious.
Thankfully, each Horseman has its own “antidote”, which is a positive way to communicate that replaces the Horseman behavior in question.
Here’s what each Horseman can sound like in everyday relationships, along with its antidote in action, so you can recognize these destructive communication patterns and learn healthier ways to communicate.
Criticism
At its core, criticism is an attack on your partner’s character rather than voicing a complaint or need.
Criticism’s antidote is using a gentle start-up, which is essentially stating what you’re feeling (usually using an “I” statement), why you’re feeling it, and what you need from your partner.
Here are some examples of criticism in action, and what the antidote could be for each situation:
You come downstairs and the kitchen is still a mess from last night.
Criticism: “You never clean up after yourself. You’re so lazy.”
Antidote: “The messy kitchen is stressing me out. Could you help me clean it up?”
Your partner is scrolling while you’re trying to tell them about your day.
Criticism: “You’re always on your phone. You never listen to me.”
Antidote: “I really want to tell you about my day. Could we put our phones away for a few minutes?”
You’re waiting by the door and you’re already late. Again.
Criticism: “You’re always late. You have no respect for anyone else’s time.”
Antidote: “I get anxious when we’re running late. Could we start getting ready earlier next time?”
You realize your partner forgot something you asked them to do.
Criticism: “I can never count on you.”
Antidote: “I was counting on that getting done, and I’m frustrated. Could you take care of it today?”
You’ve spent several evenings together, but your partner has mostly been working.
Criticism: “You care more about work than you do about me.”
Antidote: “I’ve been missing you lately. Could we make some time just for us this week?”
You notice another purchase you weren’t expecting on your shared account.
Criticism: “You’re terrible with money. Why are you so irresponsible?”
Antidote: “I’m feeling anxious about our budget. Can we look over it together?”
Instead of:
You always…
You never…
Why can’t you ever…
You’re so…
You don’t care about…
Try:
I feel…
I need…
I would appreciate…
Could we…
Would you be willing to…
Contempt
Contempt takes criticism a step further. It’s a form of disrespect. Contempt communicates disgust, superiority, or mockery. Sneering, eye-rolling, hostile sarcasm, or talking down to the other person are all signs that it’s present in your conversations.
The antidote to this especially destructive behavior is building a culture of appreciation. This means intentionally noticing and expressing what you value about your partner, or noticing the positive more often than the negative. Contempt can be avoided by assuming that your partner is acting with positive intent (they aren’t your enemy), and getting curious about their behavior or why they feel a certain way (curiosity can lead to understanding, which means healthier communication).
Here are some examples of contempt in action, along with their antidotes:
Your partner forgets to take the trash out after you remind them.
Contempt: “Wow. Great job remembering that.” (Hostile sarcasm)
Antidote: “I know things get forgotten. Could you take it out now?”
Your partner says or does something silly at the wrong time.
Criticism: “God, you’re so annoying.” accompanied by an eyeroll.
Antidote: “Normally I think I’d find that funny, but I’m feeling stressed about this task. Could we get serious for now please?”
Your partner says something you disagree with.
Contempt: You scoff or laugh dismissively.
Antidote: “I see it differently. Can you tell me why you feel that way about it?”
Your partner tells you they’re overwhelmed after a difficult day.
Contempt: “Oh, poor you. You think you’re the only one who’s tired?”
Antidote: “Sounds like you had a rough day. Want to tell me about it?” or, “I hear you. Want to do something relaxing with me tonight and talk about it if you think that will help?”
You walk into the bedroom and see your partner’s clothes all over the floor.
Contempt: “How hard is it to put your clothes in the hamper? I didn’t know I lived with such a slob.”
Antidote: “I really appreciate when we have a clean room / when you put your clothes away. Could you pick these up?”
Your partner makes a mistake while handling an important task.
Contempt: “I knew you’d screw it up. Just like always.”
Antidote: “I know you tried your best. Let’s figure out what we can do now.”
Your partner gets emotional during an argument.
Contempt: “You’re being so dramatic. You’re overreacting.”
Antidote: “I can see this is really upsetting you. Help me understand what you’re feeling.”
Instead of:
Oh, please…
Are you serious?
You’re ridiculous…
Of course you would…
How hard is it to…
Try:
I appreciate…
I respect…
Thank you for…
I can see why you…
What I value about you is…
Defensiveness
When people perceive someone’s words as an attack, they go on the defensive. It’s logical to think that you’d want to protect yourself, but your partner isn’t your opponent. You’re on the same team. Defensiveness may feel like self-protection, but it tells your partner that their feelings aren’t valid, and it often places blame on them that they don’t deserve.
The antidote to defensiveness is pretty self-explanatory: take responsibility. There are two perspectives and two realities to every situation. Yours and your partner’s. Taking responsibility for your part in something is the key to avoiding destructive defensiveness in your relationship.
Here are some examples of defensiveness in action, plus the antidotes that can replace that negative behavior:
Your partner points out that you’re running late.
Defensiveness: “Maybe if you didn’t take forever getting ready, we wouldn’t be late.”
Antidote: “You’re right. I could have started getting ready earlier too.”
Your partner is upset because you forgot to make an appointment you said you would schedule.
Defensiveness: “Well, you never reminded me.”
Antidote: “I forgot. I should have kept track of it.”
Your partner says you hurt their feelings during an argument.
Defensiveness: “Well, you said some pretty awful things too.”
Antidote: “You’re right. What I said was hurtful, and I’m sorry.”
Your partner says they needed more help getting the kids ready that morning.
Defensiveness: “You could have just asked me.”
Antidote: “I should have noticed you were overwhelmed and stepped in.”
Your partner says you’ve been distracted during your time together.
Defensiveness: “I wouldn’t be on my phone so much if you actually talked to me.”
Antidote: “You’re right that I’ve been distracted. I’ll put my phone away.”
Your partner tells you that something you did upset them. You don’t think it was a big deal.
Defensiveness: “You’re making this into something it’s not.”
Antidote: “I didn’t realize it affected you that much. Tell me more.”
Instead of:
Well, you…
It’s not my fault…
I only yelled because you…
You’re blaming me for everything…
Maybe if you helped more this wouldn’t happen…
Try:
You have a point…
I can see my part in this…
I could have handled that better…
I should have…
I can own that…
Stonewalling
Stonewalling shows up when you get overwhelmed during conflict. It can look like walking away with no explanation, staring straight ahead, looking away, giving one-word answers, disengaging, or going completely silent. It can feel painful to the partner on the receiving end, but it’s important to understand what’s happening. Often, people stonewall because they are feeling physiologically flooded. Their heart rate rises, they go into fight-or-flight mode, or they may not be able to think clearly. Continuing the argument at that point will not be productive, and often can escalate or go round in circles with no end in sight.
The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing. The person who is flooded should communicate their need to take a break to calm down. The key is that the break has a purpose. It’s not “I’m leaving because I refuse to deal with this” it’s, “I’m stepping away so I can calm down and come back to this with clarity.”
Here are some examples of stonewalling in action and the antidote that should be used instead:
An argument is getting heated, and you feel yourself shutting down.
Stonewalling: You stop responding and stare at your phone.
Antidote: “I’m getting overwhelmed. Can we take a break and come back to this in 30 minutes?”
Your partner brings up an issue you’ve already argued about several times.
Stonewalling: “Whatever. I’m done talking about this.”
Antidote: “I know this is important, but I’m too frustrated to talk about it productively right now. Can we come back to it tonight?”
You’re arguing before bed and feel like you can’t take any more.
Stonewalling: You roll over and stop responding.
Antidote: “I can feel myself shutting down. Could we get some rest and continue this conversation tomorrow?”
The conversation becomes overwhelming, so you get up and leave the room without saying anything.
Stonewalling: You disappear and leave your partner wondering if you’re coming back.
Antidote: “I need some time to calm down. I’m going to take a walk, and then I’ll come back so we can finish talking.”
Your partner is explaining why they’re upset, but you feel too flooded to process what they’re saying.
Stonewalling: You stare ahead silently and give one-word answers.
Antidote: “I want to hear you, but I’m having trouble taking this in right now. Can I have a little time to calm down?”
You’re having the same disagreement for what feels like the tenth time.
Stonewalling: “There’s no point. Nothing is ever going to change.”
Antidote: “We’re going in circles and I’m getting overwhelmed. Let’s take a break and try again when we’re calmer.”
Instead of:
Whatever…
I’m done…
There’s no point…
I don’t care…
Silence / walking away without explanation
Try:
I’m feeling overwhelmed…
I need a break…
I can feel myself shutting down…
I want to keep talking, but I need some time…
Can we come back to this in 30 minutes?
Recognize the Pattern and Choose a Different Path
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can show up in any relationship at any time, especially when you’re feeling stressed or frustrated. The goal isn’t to communicate perfectly all the time. It’s to gain the skills to be able to recognize negative communication patterns, and have the tools in your toolbox to replace those negative patterns with positive ones.
A criticism can become a gentle start-up to a conversation. You can shift your mindset away from contempt to appreciation and positivity. If you find yourself getting defensive, you can work to take responsibility for your part instead. And if you feel yourself shutting down, you can remember to communicate your need for a break to calm down before coming back to the conversation at hand.
It takes some practice to rewire habits you may have learned over time, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up every once in a while. Sometimes, changing the direction of a difficult conversation just starts with the sentence, “Let me try that again.”
