Your teenager may know they should refuse the ride and still struggle to say no to the friend offering it.
For you, the concern is straightforward: the driver does not have a license. For your teenager, refusing may also mean being laughed at or left out next time. You need to address the risk while understanding why they want to go along.
These five approaches can help you discuss the friendships that worry you and prepare your teenager to make their own decisions around friends.
1. Discuss the behavior that concerns you
Psychologist Thomas Dishion and his colleagues studied conversations between 186 boys, aged 13–14, and their friends. A pattern of rule-breaking talk followed by laughter predicted increased self-reported rule-breaking over the next two years. They called this “deviancy training.”
Negative peer pressure can involve that kind of approval, as well as a direct challenge to join in. Ask what the friends encourage each other to do. You can say, “You cannot ride with someone who isn’t licensed,” without asking your teenager to condemn the person they like.
2. Find out what saying no would cost them
When two friends insist that the drive is only a short one, your teenager may know the rule and still struggle to refuse.
Ask what they enjoy about the friendship, then how their friends respond when they disagree. They may worry about being laughed at or left out next time. That gives you something specific to discuss: how to refuse the ride when they still want to be included.
Through teenage friendships, they are also learning what they can expect from people they trust. Can they disagree and still be treated with respect?
3. Practice how to deal with peer pressure
Laurence Steinberg and Kathryn Monahan studied more than 3,600 people and found that self-reported resistance to peer influence increased particularly between ages 14 and 18. Your teenager is still developing the ability to make a different choice from their friends.
Practice together before they face that situation. You could play the friend insisting it is only a short drive, while your teenager tries words they would actually use: “No, I’m not getting in.” Then discuss how they would leave and get home, including whom they could call.
4. Listen when they tell you what happened
In a study of 703 Swedish 14-year-olds and their parents, Håkan Stattin and Margaret Kerr found that parents learned about their teenagers’ activities mainly through what the teenagers voluntarily told them.
If yours admits getting into that car, hear the account before deciding how to respond. Let them explain what was suggested, why they agreed and what happened afterward.
You can be glad they told you while addressing the decision to go. Acknowledge how they felt; you can understand their fear of exclusion and still maintain the limit.
5. Help them develop other friendships
Support something they already enjoy, such as volleyball, theater or making music. Help with transport or finding a group, and get to know how the young people treat one another.
When your teenager has other people to spend time with, they have more options if they decide to see less of a particular friend.
At home, let them practice disagreeing with you, too. Hear their reasons and explain your concerns without insulting someone they care about. They can experience disagreement without having to question whether you still want them around.
That experience matters beyond the next invitation or ride home. As they grow up, they will keep making choices with people whose affection and approval they value.
You want them to have friends they can say no to—and know they are still friends afterward.
For support with friendships, independence and the conversations you want to keep having, explore Gottman Parenting: Teen Success.
