It had been a while since we last discussed sex on the blog, and as Dr. Gottman recommends making a habit of talking about the subject, we decided it was time to share this quiz with you on Wednesday! Now that you’ve had a chance to get a feel for how things are going (no pun intended), we’d like to offer you some general tips. 

The first, as you may have guessed, is this: Communicate!

There’s a common misconception that talking during sex is dirty and inappropriate. While this misguided notion is consistent with the tone of publications that perpetuate it (see: Cosmo, which also encourages you to think of your partner as a stranger, to keep things interesting) nothing could not be further from the truth. By turning towards your partner and talking during sex, you make things personal, engaging in a form of emotional communication which increases intimacy and passion in your lovemaking. By focusing on the emotional instead of the physical, you can actually improve your physical experience without even trying!

Dr. Gottman has this to say about the art of intimate conversation:

People don’t think of conversation as something that’s related to sex; you know, they’d say that having a conversation, that’s not sex. People think that sex is touching, and kissing, and caressing, and sucking, and licking. But, having intimate conversation, saying, “Hey baby, how are you doing? How are you feeling about your job? You look kind of sad, you know, when you come home, lets talk about it!” is really sex. 

Everything in that conversation is sex, and it helps build friendship and emotional connection as well. It doesn’t seem like that would really be a key ingredient for friendship and for having a good sex life, but it’s very essential because there is an increasing sense of emotional distance when couples don’t do these things.

In many relationships I have observed, people only start trying to be close when they want intercourse, or when they want to have an orgasm, and in these cases then there is no basis for closeness. There’s no prior emotional connection. In fact, people may be feeling alienated and lonely, like their needs are getting ignored in a relationship, and all of a sudden their partner wants to have sex with them, and it’s even more alienating then. Insulting even. This is why communication and friendship are so important to a happy relationship.

This weekend, we give you permission to try it out.

The following are some examples of phrases you can use to increase your communication. Try them on for size, or use some of your own creation! Remember: While this may seem awkward and forced at first, once the initial barrier is broken down you will be able to comfortably communicate with your partner during sex, to tell them exactly what you want and how you want it.

Romantic Things to Say to a Man During Sex:

  • I could kiss you like this for hours.
  • You taste so good right here.
  • It feels so good being with you this way.
  • Feel what my heart does when you touch me like that.
  • I want no one but you.
  • You are so masculine.
  • Nothing pleases me more than touching you here.

Romantic Things to Say to a Woman During Sex:

  • I remember the first time we kissed.
  • I love it when you put your head on my chest.
  • I love being inside you.
  • No one is more beautiful to me than you.
  • I love kissing you here.
  • Don’t stop what you’re doing.
  • I’m going to make you orgasm.

Enjoy your weekend homework assignment, and look forward to more next week on The Gottman Relationship Blog!


More in The Archives
Weekend Homework Assignment: Have Great Sex

Ellie Lisitsa is a staff writer at The Gottman Institute and a regular contributor to The Gottman Relationship Blog. Ellie is pursuing her B.A. in Psychology with an emphasis on Cognitive Dissonance at Reed College in Portland, Oregon.