Toddlers, Poop Detectors, and Choosing Your Battles

We can’t resist sharing a particularly relevant and thought-provoking piece we spotted in the Sturgis Journal.

We can’t resist sharing a particularly relevant and thought-provoking piece we spotted in the Sturgis Journal.

On Monday, we shared a guest posting by Jessica Michaelson that explored the challenges of modern fatherhood and the advantages provided by the Bringing Baby Home Program and Dr. John Gottman’s And Baby Makes Three. Today, we can’t resist sharing a particularly relevant and thought-provoking piece we spotted in the Sturgis Journal. In this playful offering, authors James and Audora Burg hone in on a compelling connection: choosing your battles in caring for your toddler and caring for your marriage.

Marriage Matters: Stand own, 

ye mighty warriors

By James and Audora Burg

Toddlers seem to be especially adept at reminding their parents of the wisdom of “choose your battles.” 

Paul often gives us the opportunity to practice this skill. Our cue that another opportunity is nigh occurs when he goes toddling through the house, little stool in hand. 

The first time we saw him do this, he was merely relocating his “stage.” Once in place, he plopped the stool down, stepped up on it, and sang his version of the ABCs – the BBCs, as he then called them. 

But things changed when he discovered the height advantage provided by his stool. Then the countertops – and those things on the countertops – were within his reach. Oh boy! That front in the potential skirmish was abruptly closed off, however, when Audora pushed to the back anything that would have been within his reach. 

Mom may have thwarted him at the countertop, but our persistent explorer was not deterred. He looked around until he found another outlet for his curiosity. And we are generally choosing not to engage in what otherwise might have become the ultimate power struggle with Paul: lights and their switches. 

So when he flips the switch up, and the light goes on, we tolerate it. When he flips the switch back down, and the light turns off, we tolerate it. When he flips the switch again, we switch tactics and tell him, “Last time. Lights on or lights off. Then leave it.” And he generally does. 

But the rules of relaxed engagement nearly changed the night that Jim emerged from the bathroom muttering a public service announcement: “Note to self: always turn on the sink light before getting in the shower.” He had been showering when Paul walked in with his little stool, put it down, climbed up, and turned off the overhead light. It was a very dark minute before Paul managed to flip the switch back on.

We play this for giggles, but the “choose your battles” decision also appears repeatedly in marriage, where it is rarely funny.

Researcher John Gottman offers wisdom for both when and how couples should choose their battles. It comes down to “early and gently” – that is, engaging when an issue is still a minor skirmish, and gently, by using a “softened startup” and without being critical of the spouse.

To that end, he advocates that every marriage should be equipped with a “Marital Poop Detector,” a built-in early warning system that clues the couple in that “something just doesn’t smell right.” 

If both spouses are responsive to their shared detector, they are by definition on the same side, working together to protect their marriage. And that makes it the ultimate win-win situation. 

Ellie Lisitsa is a staff writer at The Gottman Institute and a regular contributor to The Gottman Relationship Blog. Ellie is pursuing her B.A. in Psychology with an emphasis on Cognitive Dissonance at Reed College in Portland, Oregon.