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	How well do you know your partner?

	Bids for Connection

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You can now gain help from leading relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, in the privacy of your home. Purchase featured products from the Gottman Institute store to help you gain insight into your relationship problems and learn how to enjoy a truly satisfying marriage. Read Gottman's NY Times Best Selling book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (available in book, DVD, CD/MP3). The Gottman's popular couples workshop, The Art and Science of Love, is now available in DVD ($175) . Choose DVD or video formats.
The workshop includes:

7 hours of research-based relationship guidance packed with role-plays based on true-life experiences
Valuable interactive exercises
A step-by-step exercise guide

Bids For Connection: The Building Blocks of Emotional Connection

In Dr. John Gottman's apartment lab at the University of Washington, he studies how people interact with one another under everyday circumstances. He has discovered that "bids for connection" happen at a very high rate between partners. For example, happy couples "bid" 100 times in ten minutes. What makes the bids so important? How those bids are made and responded to influences how well that relationship is going to fare over time.

What is a bid for connection? As Dr. Gottman explains in his new book, The Relationship Cure, bids can be verbal or non-verbal. They can be highly physical or come totally from the intellect. They can be sexual or non-sexual. The key is that a bid for connection is an attempt to create connection between two people. Its function is to keep the relationship going forward and in a positive direction.

Bids are the fundamental element of emotional connection. The brief quiz below helps you to assess your style of bidding. More in depth tests are available in The Relationship Cure. To take this test, think of a person who is important to you. Complete each item by indicating how much you agree or disagree with the statement.

1. I sometimes get ignored when I need attention the most.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

2. This person usually doesn't have a clue as to what I am feeling.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

3. I often have difficulty getting a meaningful conversation going with this person.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

4. I get mad when I don't get the attention I need from this person.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

5. I often find myself becoming irritable with this person.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

6. I often feel irritated that this person isn't on my side.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

7. I have trouble getting this person to listen to me.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

8. I find it difficult to get this person to open up to me.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

9. I have trouble getting this person to talk to me.
strongly disagree
disagree
neutral
agree
strongly agree

Scoring:
Strongly disagree: 0
Disagree: 1
Neutral: 2
Agree: 3
Strongly agree: 4

Your score for questions 1-3:
Scores below 8 mean that you are direct in your relationship. This is great news for your relationship, because you have the ability to state clearly what you need from this person. If your score is 8 or higher, you may be too reticent in bidding. The other person in your relationship may feel as if they have to be a mind reader to understand what you need.

Your score for questions 4-6:
Scores below 8 mean that you are not overly forceful in expressing what you need from this person. Your relationship benefits from this quality of yours because it's easier for the other person to hear and understand what you need. If your score is 8 or higher, you may be expressing so much anger in your bidding that you are turning this person away. Maybe this is because of past frustrations, or maybe it is the way your personality is.

Your score for questions 7-9:
If your score is below 8, this means you have a high level of trust in your relationship. If your score is 8 or higher, this reflects a problem with the level of trust in your relationship. You may need to do more to win this person's trust. Some people accomplish this by concentrating more on responding to the other person's bids, rather than trying to get the other person to respond to you.

To learn more about bids for connection or about the best ways to respond to bids, you can take quizzes and try exercises in The Relationship Cure by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.

Try another quizz:
How well do you know your partner? Tests the closeness in your relationship.

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Bids For Connection: The Building Blocks of Emotional Connection

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Couples!